Hard Choices

The conference call last night was not at all what my brother and I expected but that's not to say it was completely pleasant either. My dad's twin brother is just fucking clueless. Even when we tell him things it's like he just doesn't get it or can't translate those ideas into what my dad's reality is. Does that make sense because I don't even know how to explain what a conversation with T is like.

My dad's older brother is much more business minded and approaches my dad as a business problem, no emotion involved. It sounds like he is going to help us out financially but he also wants to put my dad in an assisted living facility. Big B and I don't think Dad's ready for that so there's some compromising to be done there.

We are facing some tough challenges with Dad in the coming months and to say it won't be easy is a classic understatement. Dad is going to fight, vigorously, against any change. I'm am just dreading having to take a tough stance with him on his finances and his health but it HAS to be done because he is dragging Big B and me down with him.

I'm seeing my dad tomorrow and it will be hard for me because in a way I feel like we've been plotting behind his back. I feel disloyal which is ridiculous. And guilty. Ugh...

Weighed in this morning and lost .5 pounds. Of course I'm disappointed with that instead of being happy that the scale is moving in the right direction.

I Just Called to Say..You're Doing a Shitty Job

I just got off the phone with my brother. He called to inform me that our uncles want to have a conference call on Thursday night to talk about our dad. I'm pretty sure this means they want to criticize how we've been taking care of our dad for the past 4 years since he had a stroke and we found out he's diabetic.

My dad has no money, never planned for retirement because he thought he'd keep working until he dropped dead. Didn't work out that way and now my brother and I are bearing the financial burden of taking care of him. Just the two of us. My uncles have not offered to help us. Ever. They barely go to see him.

If you met my dad you might not know that he's been ill. The things that are wrong with him are not immediately obvious: can't read anymore, virtually no short term memory, confuses easily, diabetic, poor circulation in his legs. My brother and I had to assume responsiblity for him since he is single although he does live alone, about 5 minutes from my brother. We get him to the doctor. Get his prescriptions refilled. Take him to get his haircut or buy clothes. One of us takes him grocery shopping once a week. We make up whatever financial shortfall there is between his disability and VA benefits.

My dad was not an easy person to get along with before he got sick and the bad parts of his personality have just gotten worse. He wasn't the best dad and there is some resentment, especially on my brother's part, that he has gotten himself into this mess and just expects us to take care of him. He's selfish and wants what he wants regardless of the stress and strain it puts on my brother and me.

Perfect example. When we moved him to his current apartment, we got him a 2 bedroom apartment because that's all that was available in that building. We had to take it because it's the only apartment building in town with an elevator and he needs the elevator. My brother was talking to the building manager before Christmas and a one bedroom in that building is now available. It's over $100 less a month in rent. My dad absolutely refuses to move into it because it overlooks the back parking lot. It's so frustrating because we could use that $100 on something else for him. He just doesn't care about any of that or the stress it causes us.

And we are under a lot of stress. Financial. Emotional. I'd really like to go home right now and crawl into bed. I guess that's better than wanting to go home and eat everything in sight, right? My heart is beating really fast, I'm at work and I just keep telling myself to breathe. Who cares what my uncles think. If I don't like what they have to say, I can just hang up. I know we're doing the best we can.

My brother has worked himself into a total frenzy about this call. He keeps making noises about how he can't take anymore of Dad and he keeps threatening to just walk away. I don't know what I would do if he did that. I cannot do this on my own, not when my dad lives 55 miles away.

Parents

I love my parents. I do. Despite their craziness and despite my fucked up childhood, I love them. But they're very needy and I don't know if it's because I'm the girl child, the oldest, a sucker, good hearted, or because my brother is aloof, I'm the one they cling to. Here's an example from this weekend:

Friday: lunch with Mom (and brother)
Saturday: Grocery shopping with Dad, one phone call from Dad
Sunday: 3 phone calls from Dad, 2 phone calls from Mom

My mom is very lonely. For years my stepfather has been working as consultant and so during the week he works out of town and then comes home on the weekends. She hates that he's gone but loves the lifestyle his salary affords them. This week he came home late Friday night and had to leave at 8am Sunday morning to go to a conference in Raleigh so they barely got to spend any time together. Which put my mom in a funk despite her antidepressants.

So what started out as getting together for dinner this week has turned into my sleeping over at her house on Wednesday. We'll go out to dinner and then come home and play endless games of Yahtzee and perhaps even one game of Scrabble. Not that it won't be fun but I'm 38 years old. I have a house and a husband. Cats.

But then I feel guilty because I've committted to going to my dad's every other weekend and I'm sure my mom would love it if I got together with her every other week. Should I try to do that? Maybe not sleep over every time but set aside one night every two weeks to spend with her? Especially because I know she's often sad and lonely and loves to spend time with me?

I guess the question I need to answer is whether I would be doing it because I want to spend time with her or if I'm doing it to try to "fix" things for her. I tend to be a fixer which often lets me ignore my own problems while focusing on someone else's so I have to be careful not to fall into that trap especially when I should be focusing on my health and fitness efforts.

Surprise

I was in a major funk this week. Normally this would be accompanied by lots of eating. Not only did I not overeat this week, I lost 4.5 pounds! I almost fell off the scale this morning, I was so surprised. I had to weigh myself again just to make sure I read the numbers right the first time.

Lunch with my mom and brother today. We could get 4-8 inches of snow overnight and I'm supposed to go up to my dad's in the morning. I'm hoping my brother offers to take him shopping instead of making me drive up there. I'm not holding my breath though because he seems really sick of our dad right now.

I'm reading Passing for Thin right now. I just started it but already there are things that I can completely identify with. Many of the reviews I read of this book focused on how much the reader didn't like the writer. They found her very selfish and narcissistic. I'm reserving judgement until I've read more of it.

Finding My Groove

I'm a creature of habit. The more routine I can make my diet and fitness efforts, the more likely I am to succeed. When my routine is interrupted, bad things can and often do happen. Like I stop exercising or eat totally off plan.

So now that I'm back on my program, I'm trying really hard to minimize disruptions to my routine at least initially during this crucial early period. I'm having lunch with my mother and brother on Friday but I picked the restaurant. I know from past experience that this restaurant serves two really yummy dishes that are points friendly and will leave me feeling happy and satisfied even if my brother snarfs down French onion soup followed by a gynormous plate of nachos.

Next week I'm supposed to have dinner with two girlfriends and I'm seriously thinking about cancelling. They want to go to Baker's Square, home of a jillion types of pie. I just don't feel strong enough to go there right now and while I'm sure I could ask them to change the restaurant and they would, happily, I just don't feel like dealing with that right now.

And then there's the Super Bowl. The Saint wants to go to a party at his brother's but there is no way in hell I would successfully make it through hours of access to the ton of food that will be available. Ain't happening right now. And if he goes without me there will be a million questions about why I'm not there. So of course he wants me to go and though he doesn't say it, I know he thinks I should just be able to tough it out or bring a vegetable tray and be fine with that. But it won't be fine. Or maybe it would but why have to deal with that struggle right now?

I'm grooving along pretty well right now and while I cannot avoid all social engagements until I've lost all this weight (for one thing I have a baby shower on the 28th I HAVE to attend) I don't think it's a big deal to temporarily avoid situations that I know will be tough for me. Right?

The other part of this is that, for whatever reason, I really don't want to be anywhere other than my own house right now. I'm happiest when I'm there and I'm sure part of it is that I have total control of my environment. Work is just something I have to endure until I can get back home. I love my house. I love The Saint. I love my cats. And I really don't want to be anywhere else other than at home with them.

I'm sure this all will pass but this is where I am right now.

The Real Test

Today I'm back to my normal schedule at work which means I'm downtown. This will be the true test of my resolve. Last week I got back on WW, counting points and journaling like a good girl which was easy since I only worked 3 days and out of my home campus which meant my commute was blissful and I was home by 4:30 every afternoon.

Now I'm back on the crazed merry-go-round of my regular schedule and I just need to hang tough. But I learned some things like tonight is my late night and to make life easier and points friendly, I will nuke a Lean Cusisine and toss a salad for dinner. It doesn't need to be more complicated than that.

Still not exercising because I cannot shake the end of this cold. My cough gets worse as the day goes on so by the time I go to bed, I'm hacking up a lung and my voice is shot. I'm getting itchy to get on the treadmill though.

Friday is my official weigh in day and last week I was down 2 pounds. Not bad....

Happy New Year!

My Christmas was wonderful, busy, crazy and full of germ spreading children who managed to pass on the mother of all colds/flu. At least it hit me on the 26th and only ruined my New Year's Eve plans. I'm still not totally over it but at least I'm back among the living.

So being bed ridden gave me a lot of time to think. Reflect. Evaluate. Plan. I came to the conclusion that more than one area of my life is out of control and that it is up to me to take control. There is no magic pill and no fairy godmother to make everything all better. The only one who can stop the madness and turn things around is me. No excuses. No whining. Just me doing what I need to do to get my shit together.

2006 has to be the Year of Me. I can no longer put off dealing with my issues by making everyone and everything else more important than me. Easier said than done. I may have to make some of this up as I go along but at least I know what changes I have to make even if I'm not entirely sure how to make them.

Today is my first day back at work since December 16th and so I decided to also restart WW today. I've got my little blue notebook out and I'm writing down every bite that passes my lips. I'm debating whether to hit the treadmill tonight or if that will just send me into an uncontrollable coughing spasm. I suppose I could try and if it's too much, stop.

And while I was sick I picked up a new addiction: Fox's show 24. I'm frantically trying to get through the first 4 seasons before season 5 begins on the 15th. I know I don't watch a lot of TV but how in the world did I miss this show?