End of a tough week

I have never been happier to see a week come to an end. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster with my dad. I've felt angry, sad, guilty, hopeful, disappointed, frustrated, happy, scared and puzzled. And there's no end in sight to the drama.

Looking back, I've handled my eating better than I would've predicted. I went to McDonalds for lunch yeserday and had the side salad with a low fat dressing and 3 chocolate chip cookies. I never said I was perfect! Calories and fat wise I would've been better off with a hamburger instead of the cookies. Overall I think I did well by not ordering what I really wanted which was a Big Mac, fries and a strawberry shake.

I'm so happy with my recommitment to exercise. Yesterday I did the 1 mile WATP tape and 30 minutes on my stationary bike. I haven't used my bike in ages and I don't know why except I think I got bored with it. I know it's more back-friendly and I think it helped shrink down my belly when I used it regularly. I might add a 30 minute ride to my daily routine. Instead of sitting on the couch to read, I'll sit on the bike and burn more calories.

***********************************************************************************
This weekend marks the start of my birthday festivities. I'm dragging The Saint to see Inside Man and if it doesn't rain, I want to go to the flea market too. We'll also be going out to eat a lot but I've already consulted menus online and know what I want to order. It helps to be prepared.

Survived the weekend

Given the emotional maelstrom I survived this weekend, if past patterns held true, I should've eaten my through the weekend. I did not. And I think I didn't because:

1. I worked on Saturday and could only eat what I brought with me.
2. I was so upset I was actually nauseous.
3. I kicked ass on the treadmill on both Friday and Sunday! And worked out with weights.

I was so sad this weekend that my cats actually noticed and decided they needed to smother me with love. Literally. Riley, ever since he was a kitten, has slept in between my legs at night. However, if I toss and turn too much, he'll move over and sleep with The Saint. Well not Saturday night. He insisted on snuggling with me all night and didn't use his claws once to get me to hold still. He'd just quietly get up, patiently sit at the foot of the bed until I got settled and then snuggle up to me again. Twice he came up near my face, purring and gave me a soft little "Maa." He sounds a little like a lamb when he does it. It's a funny sound that always makes me smile when he does it.

At some point Bailey came and settled on my chest and Ronan draped himself over my ankle. And there was no fighting for position. They just snuggled and purred and tried to make me feel better. Devlin doesn't like to sleep in our bed but everytime I sat down this weekend, he jumped right into my lap, purring and kneading my leg.

My new issue of Cooking Light arrived and I decided I'm going to actually start making some of the dishes in the magazine instead of just looking at pictures of them. Novel idea, I know. This week I'm going to pick out one or two that I can make over the weekend and make a grocery list. I've been planning my dinners for the week (Friday to Friday) and writing the menu down on a magnetic pad I have stuck to the fridge. It helps me with my shopping, with sticking to my eating plan and The Saint can consult the list instead of asking me every night "What are we having for dinner?"

Working on Saturday sucks!

Between staff shortages and two classes that needed information literacy instruction, I'm stuck working today. Ugh! Do you know how hard it is to teach college students not to just use Google for all their research needs? To think critically? To evaluate the resources they're using for their research assignments? To not copy and paste information found on the internet into their papers?

The good news is that if I'm at work then I'm not at home eating everything in sight which has been my problem the last few weekends.
************************************************************************************* I changed the look of my blog. The blue is reflective of my current mood. Since I'm working today, I had yesterday off, I went to see my dad and it was awful. He and the Big B had a big blowup on Thursday and my dad is being so irrational. My brother told him he couldn't come along on my brother's daily routes anymore because he's hired a helper and the helper needs my dad's seat in the truck. In reality, my sister-in-law is going to be helping my brother. My dad likes to drive around with my brother every day but due to all his health problems, he isn't much help. In fact, Big B does the majority of the work which is just killing him. Not to mention that my dad is so unsteady on his feet that my brother is afraid he's going to fall and seriously hurt himself. Last weekend when we helped Dad move, he almost fell 4 times while we were there.

To make matters worse, my dad maxed out his credit card so when he tried to use it on Thursday, he got denied. Nevermind that I've been telling him for weeks he was getting close to maxing out his card and that he needs to curb his spending. Oh no, this could never be his fault. He told me he's convinced Big B closed his account. It's a long story but he thinks my brother has totally screwed him over and is leaving him penniless. Nothing I said changed his mind. He's called a lawyer friend of his about taking legal action against my brother.

What's sad is the lack of trust. That he thinks we would screw him. All we've tried to do is to get him to live within his means and he will not do it. So now he wants control of his life back as he put it. He has no idea what he's in for. We've told him but he doesn't believe how much we do for him. I'm ready to take all of it, dump it in his lap and walk away. Go ahead and handle the checking account, paying the bills, getting to the store, refilling the prescriptions, renewing the VA benefits, applying for Medicaid, and getting to the doctor's appointments. Hey, it's 110 miles I don't have to drive every two weeks. Knock yourself out.

My uncles are absolutely incensed by my dad's behavior. My dad actually had the nerve to call his older brother and leave a message, asking for help, after barely speaking to the man for almost a year. And his twin told Big B that Dad blew up at him over something trivial last Sunday, the day after he had given up his Saturday morning to help Dad move. Dad has always had a hair trigger temper and been verbally and borderline physically abusive to those close to him. We shouldn't have to put up with that at all but especially not now when we are doing so much for him.

People have been telling me for years that my dad is a selfish, mean bastard and I ignored them. I guess I can't ignore them anymore.

It's official!

This morning I mailed the check and registration forms for the Dewey Dash. The Saint and I can't turn back now! And did I mention they don't have the 1 mile walk this year, we have to do the entire 5K? The Saint has not been walking at all and I keep reminding him it's 3.1 miles and he just grins at me. Maybe because he's not fat, 3.1 miles doesn't seem like all that much. It probably won't be as hard for him as it is for me.

But I have been totally kicking ass on the treadmill. I'm doing a minimum of 60 minutes and I've been steadily increasing my speed. I'm trying not to hold onto the handrail because I think that's what's screwing up my back.

All this walking isn't going to do me any good if I don't get my eating under control. I'm trying. That's about all I can say about it.

How much food can one person eat in a weekend?

OMG, I ate so much this weekend. Insane amounts of food. Friday night I pigged out at my in laws': nuts, chips and dip, corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, carrots, soda bread. Saturday was even worse: Dunkin Donuts, pizza, onion rings, a huge ass piece of carrot cake from Claim Jumpers and Sunday I ate almost an entire loaf of soda bread by myself.

Way too much time away from home this weekend. Way too little planning for being away from home so much. Too much stress, too much driving, too much not dealing with my feelings and just eating to get through everything.

I did still workout this weekend and that is the only thing keeping me from being completely suicidal this morning.

It's about 9:00 am and I've had my yogurt and my banana and 32 oz of unsweetened iced tea and I'm starving! Lunch is three hours away....
************************************************************************************

The move went as well as can be expected. The Big B kicked ass during the week so Saturday went smoothly. We were done by 12:30. My dad was virtually no help at all which we knew he wouldn't be. And on top of it he didn't eat or take his medication so his blood sugar took a nosedive and we were running around looking for the chocolate he keeps on hand for just such an emergency. And his left leg kept giving out on him and he grab onto whatever piece of furniture or person was closest and he ended up really hurting the Big B by grabbing him around the neck. And he argued about the placement of the things by saying "Well, I've always had it this way." Well it you're in a new place and everything can't go the way it was before. Sheesh! It took evey ounce of willpower I posessed not to scream at him to shut up, sit down and stay the hell out of everyone's way.

I love him, I really do but good gravy I was at the end of my rope on Saturday!
************************************************************************************

My first event is Saturday, April 8th and I am focusing on gettng ready for that and getting my eating under control.

My back is back

My back hasn't been bothering me for months and now I know why. I haven't been walking at all regularly. Now that I am, my back is screaming! I don't want to stop walking now that I'm finally into it again but I hate being in pain every day. Damn stupid back!

So last night instead of walking on the treadmill I did the Walk Away the Pounds 1 mile tape. I thought changing up my activity might help but no, not so much. I still have back pain this morning.

We're moving my dad into a smaller apartment on Saturday. Ugh. He's mad about it and making it into such a big fucking production that I can't even stand to talk to him right now. For example, I found out yesterday that I've been appointed by the president of my state's library association to serve a 2 year term on one of the association's standing committees. I'm pretty excited about it. I called my dad to tell him and he barely had anything to say about it. All he wanted to talk about was:

• whether he should wash all his glassware (which he never uses) before moving so he can start out with eveything clean
• why Big B and I would make plans with our mother & stepfather for dinner on Saturday knowing we would have to move him (We made the plans weeks ago before we knew his move date because surprisingly, we have lives beyond him)
• why The Saint and I can't come up Friday night to start moving him (We have dinner plans with my in-laws)

He is literally moving across the hall from a 2 bedroom apartment into a 1 bedroom. This is not a big deal. It will not take us all day especially if he starts moving little things over there today. He has a key for the new place already.

*************************************************************************************

I don't know if I have mentioned this before but I am a midget magnet. Or perhaps they're dwarves. I'm not sure what the difference is but as one of my co-workers teases me "I see little people." Often. I know people who have never seen a midget/dwarf in real life. Ever. I have encountered probably at least 4 in the past year alone. I have nothing against them, I just think it's odd that I see them as frequently as I do.

Friday night The Saint and I were out to dinner at the only nice restaurant in our little town. We were in a booth and I had my back to the door. Out of no where The Saint starts laughing and won't tell me why. He's just shaking his head. Finally when we were getting ready to leave, he said "Look in the bar on the way out. There's a midget in there."

I of course didn't believe him but sure enough, there he was. Not only was he a midget/dwarf but he was black. What are the odds of encountering a black midget/dwarf while out to dinner? Evidently very high if you're me.

Snowy Sunday

The awesome thing about having a treadmill in the tv room is that on days like yesterday, I don't have to go outside to exercise. The Saint locked the cats up at around 3:30 am Sunday morning so I could sleep in and I did. Until almost 9 which is unheard of! Woke up to some light snow and it continued to snow all day. Not very heavily as we only got about 3 inches but still it was nice to be inside. We had a light breakfast and hit the weights at about 10:30 am. The Saint was giggly again so we stood side by side so we weren't looking at each other and couldn't make each other laugh.

I did an hour on the treadmill both Saturday and Sunday. I don' t have that kind of time during the week so I have to make the most of these weekend workouts. During the week I can squeeze in 30-45 minutes depending on the day. I work out of a different campus every day so I get home at different times, depending on the hellishness of the commute that day.

My weekend eating really needs some improvement. I know what the problem is. Too much access to food. I don't overeat during the week because I only eat what I bring with me. I gotta get a grip on my weekend grazing!

I'm starting to feel the affects of exercising in the looseness of my clothes. And my calf muscles are getting some nice definition. I noticed that when I was shaving on Saturday. And The Saint mentioned that my belly looks flatter which was nice to hear. It's nice when I'm on track and I can see and feel the differences in my body. Why can't I just keep doing what I'm doing so I can hold onto this nice feeling?

Weight Lifting

I read an article somewhere recently (WW magazine perhaps?) that talked about the differences between men and women when it comes to weight loss and exercise. It said that men prefer lifting weights and women prefer aerobic activity and really, both sexes need to do some of both activities.

That's The Saint and I in a nutshell. He doesn't like walking but his upper body is getting so ripped from lifting and while I don't like the treadmill, I'd rather do that than lift weights. So we decided that we would each hit the treadmill on our own but we will lift together on Wed-Fri-Sun.

So last night we hit the weights together and laughed so hard we almost hurt ourselves! When we do free weights, he can't watch me because he says my eyes get really big and it makes him laugh. And of course the harder he laughed, the harder I laughed. I was wheezing, I was laughing so hard. So we ended up standing back to back so we couldn't see each other. What dorks!
***********************************************************************************

My uncle has been giving Big B and I money to help us care for our dad. My dad doesn't know this yet. For some reason Dad is pissed at his brother and has been ignoring him for awhile now. My uncle will be in my dad's neighborhood tomorrow, wants to see him, but my dad won't return his calls. What is he, 12? My uncle plans on just showing up on his doorstep and I am sure a battle royale will ensue. Who knows what will be said in the heat of the moment? I think that's what I'm really dreading.

On the positive side, we got the power of attorney and healthcare power of attorney forms all signed and notarized. Dad gave the POA to Big B and I'm the back up. Up to this point, all we had was a Living Will. Dad told me recently he doesn't think he'll live longer than a year and he wants to make sure everything is in order. I personally think he's wrong and that he will live longer but, I'm happy to have the legalities taken care of.
***********************************************************************************

Almost overslept again this morning. If Bailey hadn't taken it upon herself to be a substitute alarm clock, we would've been seriously late. I must have some kind of mental block about the alarm clock because this is the 2nd or 3rd time recently that I've forgotten to set it.