Fit By Forty

Things are good

2007-03-12T05:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in forever. I come and look at my blog at least once a week but never end up writing anything. Even though I think I should, I don't. And then so much time went by that it seemed like it would be too hard to catch up. Whatever. I'm here today and I'm posting.

I've lost about 15 pounds this year. I keep chipping away at the huge amount of weight I need to lose. My eating is not perfect but it's pretty consistent.

Still riding the stationary bike almost every day. I miss walking and wish my back could handle more of it. The Saint asked if we were going to enter any 5Ks this spring/summer and I was thrilled. We did a few together last year and while he seemed to enjoy them, I never expected that he would volunteer to do it again! So April 15th we're doing the Dewey Dash again.

I got an early birthday present. The Ab Lounge Ultra. We bought it this weekend. There is a maximum weight load and I'm about 25 pound over it. Everyone tells me not to worry about it but I do. My plan was to lose weight and then start using it but I'm really dying to try it. We'll see how long I can hold out.

Dad is doing well. Surprisingly well actually. He had surgery to remove the tumor and part of his colon. He did not need a colostemy bag or radiation and seems to be healing well despite his diabetes. He's still cranky and self centered and I don't expect that will ever change.

Three weeks until my 40th birthday. I'm cool with it. I had planned to be at my goal weight for my birthday and that ain't gonna happen. But the important part is that I'm still trying and I haven't thrown in the towel.

One week in

2007-01-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

One week ago today I returned to work after a 2 1/2 week vacation. One week ago today I recommitted to a healthy lifestyle. Let's see how I have done, shall we?

-7 for 7 on the exercise front which means I rode my stationary bike for at least 30 minutes each day

-7 for 7 on tracking my food intake on SparkPeople and no major slipups foodwise

-Lost 1.5 pounds

So what does it all mean? It means I'm still in the honeymoon phase where everything is easy and I'm really enthusiastic and committed. Starting isn't an issue for me. Continuing is. Staying in it for the long haul has always been my problem.

Coping with stress without food is also a problem for me and I have major stress coming up in the next few weeks. I have an accreditation visit coming up in a week and a half at one of my campuses. Those suck and are very stressful but I am determined not to get wrapped up in the hysteria.

The other stress is related to my dad and not so easily managed. He had a colonoscopy 2 days after Christmas and they found "something." They did a biopsy and he's having some other tests this week. On the 18th, the Big B, Dad and I are meeting with the doctor, getting all the test results and deciding on a course of action. The doctor already told Big B and I that regardless of whether Dad has cancer or not, the "something" must be removed along with "a significant portion of his colon." The implications are monumental and life altering and there are so many questions to be answered and details to be worked out that I don't even know where to begin.

So I focus on controlling the only things that I can: my diet and exercise.

Seize the year!

2007-01-05T10:05:00.000-08:00

I don't normally send out New Year's cards but my sister-in-law gave me personalized stamps for Christmas that have my cat Devlin on them and I just had to show them off. When I was looking at cards at the store I found one that simply said: 2007. Seize the year.

I don' t know why but that simple statement just struck a chord with me. I think its going to be my motto for the year.

When I started this blog my plan was to reach my goal weight by my 40th brithday. Since that's only 3 months away, I ain't gonna make it. But I can't just give up. I can't throw in the towel. I wish I could just say "Screw it" and live my life happily the way I am today but I cannot.

So I start again with The Saint and his limitless patience by side. I have a plan. I have the tools. All that is left is to do it.

Still around

2006-10-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

It's been forever since I posted and I just don't have the energy to discuss the seemingly worldwide conspiracy against my attending a Weight Watchers meeting anytime this month, my father's health, my father-in-law's health, the chaos at work, the fact that it freaking SNOWED here today or the Chicago Bears 5-0 start. So I'm doing this instead:

The ABC's of my life:

A is for age: 39
B is for beer of choice: I don't like beer at all except for Caffrey's
C is for career right now: Library Director
D is for your dog's name: No dogs-just cats
E is for essential item you use everyday: Toothbrush, contacts, my big purple mug
F is for favorite tv show at the moment: Monday Night Football
G is for favorite game: Candyland
H is for Hometown: Evanston, IL
I is for instruments you play: I played the clarinet in grade school and not very well
J is for favorite juice: cranberry
K is for whose butt you'd like to kick: Someone I work with
L is for last place you ate: Gino's East last night with my dad
M is for marriage: Nine years on October 18th
N is for your name: Nichole
O is for overnight hospital stay: August 2001 to have my gallbladder removed
P is for people you were with today: The Saint, my students, co-workers
Q is for quote: "Books are like imprisoned souls til someone takes them down from a shelf and frees them," Samuel Baker
R is for biggest regret: Not losing this weight 20 years ago!
S is for sport: Yes. Seriously, we primarily watch sports in our house.
T is for time you woke up today: 4:20 a.m. because Devlin was hungry
U is for current underwear: Nothing too exotic
V is for vegetable you love: Artichoke
W is for worst habit: Biting my nails when really stressed
X is for x-rays you have had: teeth, chest, knee
Y is for yummy food you ate today: Pretzels
Z is for zodiac: Aries

WTF?

2006-09-14T07:21:00.000-07:00

How in the world can it possibly be September 14th? Where oh where has the time gone? It's flown by in a whirlwind of activity: AW's 6th birthday, new term start at school, car troubles, hiring and training new staff, Dad issues, joining my first Fantasy Football league, reading the latest from J.R. Ward, discovering Harlan Coben's books about five years after everyone else and I'm a librarian for crissakes, and spending time with the oh so wonderful Saint.

The food and exercise program were erratic all summer. Being so busy lately has helped because I don't have time to snack and I've been working out of my downtown campus which means I'm walking every day. Today my checkbones made an appearance again!

Along with the cheekbones I noticed today that some really attractive black bags have set up shop under my eyes. Makeup doesn't do much to minimize them. It's the stress and a lot of it is related to my father.

I met with Dad and his doctor about two weeks ago. The doc wants Dad to start walking with a cane. This has as much likelihood of happening as me waking up tomorrow morning weighing 125 lbs. The doc also hit us with the idea of Dad probably being in the early stages of Alzheimer's. And his blood sugar levels, triglycerides and everything else are awful because Dad isn't taking care of himself. Mmmhmmm. Great. Thanks for sharing. Shit.

Dad and The Big B still aren't talking and I don't see that changing anytime soon. B and I are still in contact every day and he still helps me financially with my father and while my uncle would love to set up a reconciliation, for what? My dad isn't going to change and why should B subject himself to the verbal abuse and all the other b.s. that goes along with bieng in contact with our father? Not worth it in my opinion.

Blazin' hot!

2006-07-31T13:29:00.000-07:00

Sweet baby Ray, it's been hot here! And unbelieveably humid. I've given up trying to sport any type of professional 'do at work. It's just not possible.

Speaking of work, I need a new job. I am so stressed out at my current job and sick of the bullshit. There are a few possibilities on the horizon. We'll see.

My father called me yesterday. At about 2 p.m. From a bench at the park. No cloud cover, upper 90s, humid as hell and this fool is sitting on a park bench. I understand cabin fever but good gravy man, go out in the early morning or after the sun has set NOT DURING THE HOTTEST PART OF THE DAY! Especially when you're in poor health to begin with. Sheesh!

My 5 year old nephew called me the other night. Just to chat. His birthday is in a few weeks so I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said,

"I won't complain about anything you want to buy me. I don't really want clothes but I won't crab about whatever you get me."

That kid cracks me up! I wonder if his mother has been giving him the Be Grateful for Any Presents You Get No Matter What They Are speech.

Time for a change

2006-07-17T05:44:00.000-07:00

I had a doctor appointment on the 7th. My weight is about where it was last year at this time. How's THAT for depressing? I seem to be losing and gaining the same 10 pounds over and over again. My blood pressure is up. I got a stern lecture about reducing stress (e.g. my job and the b.s. with my dad) and getting serious about diet and exercise before I either end up diabetic or on high blood pressure medication.

So since the 7th I've exercised like a maniac and stayed perfectly on program, right? HA!!

Why is this so absolutely fucking difficult for me? When I have medical proof that I am harming myself you would think I would get my shit and my discipline together but no! I do the exact opposite.

My doctor also asked me if I was depressed (maybe because I cried through my entire appointment, literally) and gave me a list of "counselors." The list is where I left it-on the floor in the back seat of my car but I hear it calling to me on occasion. For now I'm leaving it where it is.

The White Sox and me. We're in a slump.

Happy Birthday-A Day Late

2006-07-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

I meant to type this post yesterday but things kind of got away from me! On July 1, 1971, the second of three sons was born to a housewife and a chemist in Connecticut. He would grow up to have the typical interests of boy's his age: Star Wars, sports, comic books, and muscle cars. When he was 12 years old his father took a new job which moved the family to Illinois. A move I, for one, am forever grateful they made. Because, as you may have guessed, that brought The Saint to my neck of the woods and on July 1, 1988, we had our first date. I have watched him grow from a teenager to a man over the past 18 years and I am so proud of him. He has been such a loving and supportive partner to me over the years. He has a temper and can be a hardass but to see how gentle and patient he is with our cats or our nieces and nephews just melts my heart. He is a super talented artist and a pretty good guitar player. He is fiercely loyal and protective of his loved ones and the people he considers friends. And he is so damn funny. OMG, he fucking makes me laugh! So happy 35th birthday, baby! I love you the stars, the sky, the moon..big garages and little garages!

Still Here

2006-06-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, I went to Denver (again!), had some dental work done and have slowly gotten back my appetite and strength. Work remains insanely busy. Really, when I think about work, it's exhausting all that needs to be done in the next three and a half months. On top of that, the drama with my father continues although to be fair, my uncle has been taking the brunt of that mess.

Whew! So where does that leave my health and fitness efforts?

Over the weekend, I finally got back on the bike and I've been hitting it every night. My mom and stepfather are giving me their bike when they get back from their latest vacation. I can't wait because their stationary bike is so much nicer and fancier than mine.

My eating has been minimal which means the scale hasn't moved much. But this week I think I have my appetite back. All I know is I was HUNGRY yesterday for the first time in weeks.

The Saint is good and has been so helpful the past few weeks. I'm sure it wasn't fun to have to get up at 3 a.m. to drive me to the emergency room, or to have to hold my hospital gown together and push the IV stand down the hall so I could go to the bathroom. Or to fetch me endless popcicles from the freezer in the garage. Or to have to take care of the house and cats on his own whileI've been either sick or traveling. But he did it and without complaint. What a guy!

Is it Friday?

2006-06-09T07:03:00.000-07:00

The following post is not for the fainthearted!

Thursday night: Fly home from Denver

Friday: Tired but go to work, got my period

Friday night: Wake up, stomach cramps, diarrhea

Saturday: More diarrhea, vomitting, fever, headache, body aches

Sunday: More diarrhea (how is this possible?), headache, nausea

Monday morning: The Saint takes me to the Emergency Room-get IV, potassium pills, other meds

Monday afternoon: Allergic reaction to meds

Tuesday: Approaching some semblance of normality

Wednesday: Back at work and totally swamped

Thursday: Still swamped

Friday: STILL SWAMPED!

I have a huge presentationto give to hundreds of people on Monday.

I fly back to Denver on Tuesday.

I may not leave my bed at all this weekend.

How was YOUR week?

Mile High

2006-05-31T05:02:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in my hotel room in Denver nursing the backache from hell. I think it's from being smooshed in my plane seat for 2 hours yesterday on a totally booked flight.

Anyway, I figured out how the whole Internet access thing and so here I am. Online! I get free Internet access through my hotel rewards program. Woo-hoo!

I miss The Saint. I miss my cats. I'm such a wuss.

Challenges

2006-05-26T06:08:00.000-07:00

Between the holiday weekend and going to Denver on business next week, I'll be facing a lot of challenges to my food and exercise program. I've already starting planning what to pack such as nonperishable snacks and workout clothes. I belong to the rewards program for the hotel I'm staying in and so I get a little welcome snack and beverage thingy put in my room. Now I could've set my profile to candy or chips for my snack but instead I chose fresh fruit.

The Saint needs to put air in the tires so we can ride our "new" bikes this weekend. I can't wait! I'm sure we will laugh our asses off at each other but that's part of the fun.

Saturday morning we're going to AW's hockey "game." I don't know that you can really call it a game when actually it's just a bunch of 5 year olds careening around the rink trying their best to remain upright and/or not knock each other over. On Sunday we're going to The Saint's brother's house for the day: watch the Indy 500, baseball, play with the kids and grill. Monday I just want to relax and pack because I leave for Denver on Tuesday.

While you're enjoying your three day weekend, don't forget to remember our vets and current members of the armed forces. Fly your flag. Be proud to be an American.

57:07

2006-05-20T18:19:00.000-07:00

Two whole minutes slower than our 5K in April. Ack! I was really obsessing about that when The Saint reminded me that a) this course had some little hills which I'm not used to b) some of the course was on unpaved, uneven, grass c) we stopped and had a brief chat with the water guy at the 2 mile mark. I felt a little better after his pep talk. All in all, we had a great time. The weather was gorgeous and since we were 2 of about 6 walkers in the race, we pretty much had the trail to ourselves. The Saint brought up the subject of bikes and how it might be fun to get some and ride them along the Prairie Path that runs behind our subdivision. I can't tell you what a departure that is for us. Even when we first started dating, we never an active couple. So it's so weird now to be walking in 5Ks and thinking about biking after being together for almost 18 years. Weird but in a good way. I called my mom and she and my stepfather have bikes that they never use so they're going to let us borrow them. Woo-hoo! As I type this, The Saint is busy at his drawing table, I'm at the desk, Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" is blaring from the steroe and I love him so much I could cry. He is such a good guy. I'm truly blessed.

5K tomorrow

2006-05-19T07:04:00.000-07:00

The Saint and I have a 5K tomorrow morning at 9am. Woot! I'm so looking forward to it! It's so much more fun to compete with him than to have him cheering me on from the sidelines.

Had dinner with mom last night. We went to Red Lobster and I ordered off the Lighthouse Menu. I had a salad with a low fat red wine vinagairette, grilled shrimp, biscuit and steamed broccoli. Yum!

Before dinner we went to see our old dentist who had quit his practice for awhile due to family issues. I stayed with his partner who took on a new partner who no one in my family likes. When I broke my tooth a few weeks back, I saw the new partner and just didn't have a good feeling about his treatment plan. It was great to see my old dentist last night and I felt totally comfortable with his explanations about things and his course of action. I've decided to start seeing him again and I need to get my records sent to him.

I'm so glad it's Friday.

Prison of my own making

2006-05-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while my mom and I have a girls' night during the week. My stepfather is a consultant and right now he's working out of state during the week and only comes home on the weekends. My mom gets lonely so I try to spend time with her. We go out to dinner and then back to her place to play endless rounds of Yahtzee or Scrabble and I sleep over. The Saint ususally has dinner with his parents when I'm out with my mom.

Anyway, I'm hanging out with my mom tonight and the first thought that went through my mind was "I'm free! I can eat whatever I want tonight because only mom and I will know and she won't say anything."

What is THAT all about? Free from what? I always have choices when it comes to food. Every minute of every day what I eat is my decision. My choice whether I am alone or in a crowd. My choice whether I am at home or in a restaurant. My choice to be on or off program.

If I continue to view my food and exercise program as a prison to be escaped at every opportunity, I will never be successful. I have to want to be here. I have to believe in what I'm doing. I have to choose a healthy lifestyle. Not in a superficial way. Not only when someone is watching me. Not because my doctor, DH, or friends want me to. Because I want to!

If I don't change the inside I have no hope of ever changing the outside.
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Gearing up for the 5K on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to it! We've had so much rain lately but right now it looks like it will be sunny and in the 60s for the race. Woot! The Saint has not been working out at all lately so it will be interesting to see how he does.

Chugging along

2006-05-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

I've been chugging along with my food and exercise program. This week I started using SparkPeople again to track my food and exercise. It really helps me if I formally keep track of my food intake as opposed to having a running list in my head. And I think the continued drama with my dad has kept my appetite in check. Stress works in funny ways.

I've been biking every night and I mailed in the forms for our next 5K. On May 20th The Saint and I will be out there walking for a good cause. It's a fundraiser for the only 24 hour emergency shelter in our county. I hope it doesn't rain and that it's warmer than it was when we walked in April!

My biggest challenge to staying OP will be this weekend. We're going to my brother's for Mother's Day on Saturday to celebrate with my family and to The Saint's brother's on Sunday to celebrate with his family. There will be tons of food at both events although I'm trying to bring some figure friendly foods to counterbalance the crap.
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My dad is still playing the Poor Pitiful Pete routine which threatens to wreck our truce. He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and is pissed (although he won't admit it) that I'm not taking him nevermind that I burned a vacation day last week to take him to an appointment. When we were at the VA medical center last week I found out there's a free transportation service that will take him to his appointment and bring him home. Sounds like a good deal to me! I think his problem with it is he's afraid the driver may be picking up more than just him and he doesn't want to sit through that despite the fact that he doesn't have anything else to do! Ack!
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The White Sox got spanked last night but even the champs have to lose one once in a while! And don't tell anyone but Jim Thome is my new secret crush!

When in doubt-steal

2006-05-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

I stole this idea from another blogger who in turn had stolen it from yet another blogger.

Go to Wikipedia and in the search box type your birth month and date but not the year. In my case, I typed April 3. Then list 3 events, 2 birthdays and 1 death that happened on that date:

Events

33 Crucifixion of Jesus (traditional date)

1953 TV Guide begins

1973 First portable cell phone call placed in New York City

Birthdays

1924 Marlon Brando

1942 Wayne Newton

Death

1882 Jesse James

Now wasn't this more interesting than hearing me bitch about my dad?

Damn granola

2006-05-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

There I was on Saturday morning, minding my own business, reading Karen Robard's latest, and eating some yummy granola for breakfast when I BROKE A DAMN TOOTH! Some granola got stuck to my lower teeth on the left. I tried to push it loose with my tongue and not only did I dislodge the cereal but part of the tooth and some filling. Which I swallowed. Ugh!

So I called my dentist right away and they could squeeze me in at 1:15 but, my regular dentist wouldn't be in until Wednesday so I'd have to see his partner. I have an almost pathological fear of the dentist which is an entire story unto itself but, I've learned to trust my dentist who is kindly, older and very gentle. His partner is young, brash and seems to have a personality conflict with almost anyone he comes into contact with.

He proposed two different treatment plans to me. One that would cost about $1200 and could happen very quickly, the other costing almost $2800 and would occur over the span of three months. Of course I have dental insurance so I won't have to pay all of that out of pocket but still. And three months?! Are you shitting me? And because I need a Saturday appointment, they can't start on me until June 3rd.

Even though my mom and stepfather are currently in North Carolina, I called them right away because I trust their opinions when it comes to anything medical/dental and we all go to the same dentist. They freaked out because I saw the new partner. They've both had bad experiences with him. They'll be back in town on the 11th and when they come back they want me to see a different dentist for a second opinion which they generously offered to pay for. What have I got to lose, right?

I'm predicting right now that this whole thing will be a big ass deal. Mark my words.
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Now that I have a broken tooth (which doesn't hurt at the moment, knock wood) I've been super careful about what I eat. I've been trying to eat softer foods because I don't want to do anymore damage. Maybe the upside to this tooth debacle will be some weight loss! I'm trying to eat healthy soft foods like, yogurt, soup, mashed potatoes, and Jello as opposed to a strictly ice cream and milk shake diet.
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The meeting with my dad and uncle went fairly well. I said what I wanted to say and drew my line in the sand. My dad is in such deep denial about some things and the lack of any kind of accountability is astonishing. We agreed that his feud with Big B is separate from our relationship and that he will leave me out of it. That only lasted 3 days!

I called him on Saturday to tell him about my broken tooth and how freaked out I was. We talked about it for a few minutes and then he abruptly changed the topic to my brother. He wants me to talk to Big B about his cars and how he wants them back. I reminded him that I was staying out of that mess and of course he's pushing me to "just do this one thing." Whatevs!
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Despite the broken tooth, I still exercised all weekend! In the past, I totally would've used this as an excuse even though a broken tooth in no way affects my ability to pedal.
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Immigrant rally today in the Loop. Half a million supporters expected. People are warned not to go downtown today if at all possible.
Which campus do I have to be at today? Our Loop campus of course.

Bike vs. Treadmill

2006-04-26T06:16:00.000-07:00

The Saint told me over the weekend that my stomach was looking flatter. Yeah, right, I thought to myself at the time.

But he was right and I'll tell you how I know. I think I have such a distorted image of how I REALLY look that looking in the mirror does me no good. The true test of whether I'm getting smaller, other than the scale, is my clothes. The clothes don't lie!

So today I am wearing my favorite lilac top and black pants. I ALWAYS wear black pants to work. In fact, I have five pair of black pants (same style, brand and size) that I wear to work. All that changes are the tops. But I digress. This lilac top is my belly & hip barometer. It buttons up the front so I can tell how much smaller my belly has gotten by how flat the buttons lay. And it kind of clings to my hips and if they've gone down then it's not so clingy. My belly definitely was looking flatter today and my trusty black pants are totally baggy.

This is a long introduction to what I actually wanted to talk about today which is the bike vs. the treadmill. I don't think the treadmill changes my body the way the stationary bike does. My eating is borderline. I've got one foot in the dieting camp and one in the junk food camp. I haven't 100% committed myself to one camp or the other although more often than not I'm in the dieting camp. But my clothes keep getting looser and my belly flatter and I think it's due in part to my switch to the bike. A few years ago I lost about 50 pounds and all my exercise came from using the bike and I seem to remember my belly getting much flatter then too. From bike riding...

I don't know why I think it's weird but I do. I guess because the treadmill seems to make me sweat more, it takes more effort and I stayed on it longer. I sweat when I'm on the bike just not as much and I am, after all sitting down so sometimes it doen't seem like exercise. I feel almost guilty.

But I like my bike again. It's been a really long time since I've ridden it with any regularity.

In the recent issue of WW magazine, I read a stat that went something like this: 50% of people get bored and quit their exercise routine within 3-6 months.

We know exercise is not my thing. I hate it. So maybe the key for me is to switch it up every few months or if I'm feeling particularly antsy, do different things even within the same week.
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Tonight is the meeting with my dad and my uncle. According to my uncle my dad is anxious to patch things up with me but I keep thinking it's because he knows he can't be on his own, he and Big B haven't spoken to each other since March 23rd and if I don't take care of him, who will? During the Big Blowup of March 23-34 my dad even said to me "If I don't have you I have nothing."

But I don't take that as a you're-such-a-great-daughter-and-I-love-you-so-much-and-I 'd-be-heartbroken-without-you-in-my-life statement as much as I do a oh-shit-I-can't-piss-her-off-because-who's-going-to-pay-my-bills-get-me-my-meds-and-give-me-grocery-money statement. Whatever. I've made my decision, my line in the sand if you will and while I will always be a part of his life it's going to be on my terms and the not the terms he's been dictating for the past 3 years. He can take it or leave it.

TGIF

2006-04-21T05:32:00.000-07:00

I have a hellishly busy Friday but come 4 PM, it's the weekend, baby! Woo-hoo! The Saint and I are trying a new place for dinner and then we're going grocery shopping. I went to Sam's Club yesterday to buy coffee for my dad and ended up buying a gynormous thing of tomatoes. I think I'll be whipping up a batch of salsa this weekend but those are my only concrete plans.

Because for the first time in what seems like forever, The Saint and I have no social obligations this weekend. A weekend to do nothing but watch some of the stuff I've Tivoed or one of the three movies from Netflix that have been sitting on the counter for weeks. I may cook. The Saint and I will definetly be spending some quality time together if you know what I mean.
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I've been using the stationary bike every night instead of the treadmill or my WATP tape and it's been good. What's not so good is that this morning I've had random shooting pains in my right knee. Youch! It's happened about three times: twice when walking down the hall and once while I was sitting at my desk. I hope this is just some pasing thing and not a sign of something more serious. It sure hurts like hell, let me tell you.
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Talked to my father yesterday. Briefly. For someone who wants to fix our relationship he sure was an ass. He couldn't talk to me for long because he had to walk to the store and he told me it takes him two trips to get everything. I offered once again to schedule a senior bus pickup for him and he refused. Fine, be stubborn.

The only thing that scared me was he said he didn't feel well on Wednesday and wouldn't elaborate other than to say it didn't have anything to do with his blood sugar. Wonderful.

Easter candy hangover

2006-04-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

Why oh why does Easter candy have to be so tasty? And irresistable? Solid chocolate eggs. Jellybeans. Robin Eggs which are candy coated Whoppers. Junior Mints. Candy corn.

OK, maybe Junior Mints and candy corn aren't traditional Easter candies but I like them and that's what I got in my Easter basket.

My weekend was a total disaster in terms of eating (too much) and exercising (not at all). Consequently, I feel like crap today and it doesn't help that I'm short staffed, they've turned off the heat in the building, I'm freezing and I'm chugging water like I've been lost in the desert for a month. Needless to say, I've been in the bathroom to pee about 5 times in the past 2 hours.
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My uncle called me last week on behalf of my father, who according to my uncle, wants to salvage his relationship with me. And I quote, "Nichole is my life. if I don't have her, I have nothing." Nothing like a little pressure! Honestly, how do I turn my back on that? I talked it over with the Big B and The Saint and they both agreed it would be totally against my personality to completely cut him out of my life but that for my own sake, I need to set some groundrules and not take any shit from him. Easier said than done but, I hear what they're saying.

So my uncle and I are going to my dad's on the 26th for a little face-to-face chat. How insane has my life become personally and professionally that I had to actually schedule time with my dad?

I think my dad is trying not to rock the boat between now and the 26th because he keeps calling me at home during the day when he knows I'm out and leaving messages. So he's keeping in touch without actually having to talk to me. He did it yesterday when we were at The Saint's brother's for Easter. Left a message wishing us a happy Easter and when we got home and I returned his call, he didn't answer the phone. Whatever.
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My plan for the week is to get my ass back on the treadmill and/or the bike and to bring my lunch to work. No more eating out!

55:02

2006-04-10T06:53:00.000-07:00

I did not let the flu or temperatures in the 30s deter me and instead showed up at 8:30 am Saturday morning for the Dewey Dash. With the ever faithful (and incredibly sexy in his new blue track pants) Saint by my side, we finished in 55:02 meeting both my goals: don't finish last and finish under an hour.

Not that it was easy mind you because the first half mile kicked my ass. I was out of breath and it felt like The Saint had tied weights to the top of my shoes when I wasn't looking. We were in last place and race personnel were on our heels in their Chevy Blazer. I hate that! Eventually I settled down, got into a groove and got my breathing under control so we could actually have a conversation.

That was the best part of the race. Me and my man walking along, talking and doing something good for us. He loved it and can't wait for the next one which is May 20th fundraiser for a homeless shelter.
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Sunday we went to the The Saint's parents' house for Palm Sunday dinner. I got the last of my birthday presents (Cuisinart blender/food processor, stainless steel colanders, and a pasta pot) and to spend time with the niece RM and nephew AW. We colored Easter Eggs, AW had everyone outside at least once to play driveway hockey with him and RM fell asleep in my lap during the baseball game. She smelled like baby shampoo and the skin of her cheek was so soft next to mine. I whispered in her ear "I love you, R" and she murmured back drowsily, "I love you too, Auntie." It doesn't get any better than that.

The only shadow cast on the day was of course, cast by my family. My uncles were supposed to go up to my dad's to discuss his health, his finances and the ongoing feud he has with Big B and me. I tried not think about it but it was in the back of my mind all day. I expected to come home and find a message on my machine from one of my uncles but no just one from the Big B. I called him back and he just wanted to know if I had heard anything because he hadn't. Do you think one of my uncles could've called to give us a quick update for Pete's sake?! Sheesh!

Age is just a number

2006-04-04T06:39:00.000-07:00

I turned 39 yesterday. It was cause for some reflection:

I am no where near my goal weight
I am healthier than I was at this time last year
My family continues to be a source of stress in my life
I'm not sure which direction I want to take my career
The Saint still knows me better than I know myself and loves me no matter what

After I had enough of the reflecting business, I got busy, mindful of my wonky back and the fact that I felt slightly nauseous all day:

I visited with the in-laws, who are back in town, and came to pick up Little Guy
I started a new book (is it possible to have a crush on a fictional character because if so, Elvis Cole is the current object of my affection)
Cleaned the laundry room
Spent 60 minutes on the treadmill
Watched Opening Day baseball

The Saint and I went out to dinner with the in-laws and I ate like I wasn't on a diet. Today I either have a food hangover or the flu. As soon as my assistant gets here, I'm headed back home.

I got quite the haul present wise yesterday. More Robert Crais books, cookbooks, a subscription to Paula Deen's magazine, instant lottery tickets, and The Saint, who never forgets my inner child, got me this. I love it!

I've put yesterday behind me and I'm focusing on making it to my goal weight this next year and in participating in as many 5Ks as I can.

Speaking of 5ks, my in-laws plan on being at the Dewey Dash on Saturday to cheer on The Saint and me. They are so awesome. I am so lucky to have them in my life. Not that they're perfect but I know they love and support me. Truly. I'm very blessed.

End of a tough week

2006-03-31T05:54:00.000-08:00

I have never been happier to see a week come to an end. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster with my dad. I've felt angry, sad, guilty, hopeful, disappointed, frustrated, happy, scared and puzzled. And there's no end in sight to the drama.

Looking back, I've handled my eating better than I would've predicted. I went to McDonalds for lunch yeserday and had the side salad with a low fat dressing and 3 chocolate chip cookies. I never said I was perfect! Calories and fat wise I would've been better off with a hamburger instead of the cookies. Overall I think I did well by not ordering what I really wanted which was a Big Mac, fries and a strawberry shake.

I'm so happy with my recommitment to exercise. Yesterday I did the 1 mile WATP tape and 30 minutes on my stationary bike. I haven't used my bike in ages and I don't know why except I think I got bored with it. I know it's more back-friendly and I think it helped shrink down my belly when I used it regularly. I might add a 30 minute ride to my daily routine. Instead of sitting on the couch to read, I'll sit on the bike and burn more calories.

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This weekend marks the start of my birthday festivities. I'm dragging The Saint to see Inside Man and if it doesn't rain, I want to go to the flea market too. We'll also be going out to eat a lot but I've already consulted menus online and know what I want to order. It helps to be prepared.

Survived the weekend

2006-03-27T07:26:00.000-08:00

Given the emotional maelstrom I survived this weekend, if past patterns held true, I should've eaten my through the weekend. I did not. And I think I didn't because:

I worked on Saturday and could only eat what I brought with me.
I was so upset I was actually nauseous.
I kicked ass on the treadmill on both Friday and Sunday! And worked out with weights.

I was so sad this weekend that my cats actually noticed and decided they needed to smother me with love. Literally. Riley, ever since he was a kitten, has slept in between my legs at night. However, if I toss and turn too much, he'll move over and sleep with The Saint. Well not Saturday night. He insisted on snuggling with me all night and didn't use his claws once to get me to hold still. He'd just quietly get up, patiently sit at the foot of the bed until I got settled and then snuggle up to me again. Twice he came up near my face, purring and gave me a soft little "Maa." He sounds a little like a lamb when he does it. It's a funny sound that always makes me smile when he does it.

At some point Bailey came and settled on my chest and Ronan draped himself over my ankle. And there was no fighting for position. They just snuggled and purred and tried to make me feel better. Devlin doesn't like to sleep in our bed but everytime I sat down this weekend, he jumped right into my lap, purring and kneading my leg.

My new issue of Cooking Light arrived and I decided I'm going to actually start making some of the dishes in the magazine instead of just looking at pictures of them. Novel idea, I know. This week I'm going to pick out one or two that I can make over the weekend and make a grocery list. I've been planning my dinners for the week (Friday to Friday) and writing the menu down on a magnetic pad I have stuck to the fridge. It helps me with my shopping, with sticking to my eating plan and The Saint can consult the list instead of asking me every night "What are we having for dinner?"

Working on Saturday sucks!

2006-03-25T08:22:00.000-08:00

Between staff shortages and two classes that needed information literacy instruction, I'm stuck working today. Ugh! Do you know how hard it is to teach college students not to just use Google for all their research needs? To think critically? To evaluate the resources they're using for their research assignments? To not copy and paste information found on the internet into their papers?

The good news is that if I'm at work then I'm not at home eating everything in sight which has been my problem the last few weekends.
************************************************************************************* I changed the look of my blog. The blue is reflective of my current mood. Since I'm working today, I had yesterday off, I went to see my dad and it was awful. He and the Big B had a big blowup on Thursday and my dad is being so irrational. My brother told him he couldn't come along on my brother's daily routes anymore because he's hired a helper and the helper needs my dad's seat in the truck. In reality, my sister-in-law is going to be helping my brother. My dad likes to drive around with my brother every day but due to all his health problems, he isn't much help. In fact, Big B does the majority of the work which is just killing him. Not to mention that my dad is so unsteady on his feet that my brother is afraid he's going to fall and seriously hurt himself. Last weekend when we helped Dad move, he almost fell 4 times while we were there.

To make matters worse, my dad maxed out his credit card so when he tried to use it on Thursday, he got denied. Nevermind that I've been telling him for weeks he was getting close to maxing out his card and that he needs to curb his spending. Oh no, this could never be his fault. He told me he's convinced Big B closed his account. It's a long story but he thinks my brother has totally screwed him over and is leaving him penniless. Nothing I said changed his mind. He's called a lawyer friend of his about taking legal action against my brother.

What's sad is the lack of trust. That he thinks we would screw him. All we've tried to do is to get him to live within his means and he will not do it. So now he wants control of his life back as he put it. He has no idea what he's in for. We've told him but he doesn't believe how much we do for him. I'm ready to take all of it, dump it in his lap and walk away. Go ahead and handle the checking account, paying the bills, getting to the store, refilling the prescriptions, renewing the VA benefits, applying for Medicaid, and getting to the doctor's appointments. Hey, it's 110 miles I don't have to drive every two weeks. Knock yourself out.

My uncles are absolutely incensed by my dad's behavior. My dad actually had the nerve to call his older brother and leave a message, asking for help, after barely speaking to the man for almost a year. And his twin told Big B that Dad blew up at him over something trivial last Sunday, the day after he had given up his Saturday morning to help Dad move. Dad has always had a hair trigger temper and been verbally and borderline physically abusive to those close to him. We shouldn't have to put up with that at all but especially not now when we are doing so much for him.

People have been telling me for years that my dad is a selfish, mean bastard and I ignored them. I guess I can't ignore them anymore.

It's official!

2006-03-23T08:59:00.000-08:00

This morning I mailed the check and registration forms for the Dewey Dash. The Saint and I can't turn back now! And did I mention they don't have the 1 mile walk this year, we have to do the entire 5K? The Saint has not been walking at all and I keep reminding him it's 3.1 miles and he just grins at me. Maybe because he's not fat, 3.1 miles doesn't seem like all that much. It probably won't be as hard for him as it is for me.

But I have been totally kicking ass on the treadmill. I'm doing a minimum of 60 minutes and I've been steadily increasing my speed. I'm trying not to hold onto the handrail because I think that's what's screwing up my back.

All this walking isn't going to do me any good if I don't get my eating under control. I'm trying. That's about all I can say about it.

How much food can one person eat in a weekend?

2006-03-20T07:03:00.000-08:00

OMG, I ate so much this weekend. Insane amounts of food. Friday night I pigged out at my in laws': nuts, chips and dip, corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, carrots, soda bread. Saturday was even worse: Dunkin Donuts, pizza, onion rings, a huge ass piece of carrot cake from Claim Jumpers and Sunday I ate almost an entire loaf of soda bread by myself.

Way too much time away from home this weekend. Way too little planning for being away from home so much. Too much stress, too much driving, too much not dealing with my feelings and just eating to get through everything.

I did still workout this weekend and that is the only thing keeping me from being completely suicidal this morning.

It's about 9:00 am and I've had my yogurt and my banana and 32 oz of unsweetened iced tea and I'm starving! Lunch is three hours away....
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The move went as well as can be expected. The Big B kicked ass during the week so Saturday went smoothly. We were done by 12:30. My dad was virtually no help at all which we knew he wouldn't be. And on top of it he didn't eat or take his medication so his blood sugar took a nosedive and we were running around looking for the chocolate he keeps on hand for just such an emergency. And his left leg kept giving out on him and he grab onto whatever piece of furniture or person was closest and he ended up really hurting the Big B by grabbing him around the neck. And he argued about the placement of the things by saying "Well, I've always had it this way." Well it you're in a new place and everything can't go the way it was before. Sheesh! It took evey ounce of willpower I posessed not to scream at him to shut up, sit down and stay the hell out of everyone's way.

I love him, I really do but good gravy I was at the end of my rope on Saturday!
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My first event is Saturday, April 8th and I am focusing on gettng ready for that and getting my eating under control.

My back is back

2006-03-15T06:50:00.000-08:00

My back hasn't been bothering me for months and now I know why. I haven't been walking at all regularly. Now that I am, my back is screaming! I don't want to stop walking now that I'm finally into it again but I hate being in pain every day. Damn stupid back!

So last night instead of walking on the treadmill I did the Walk Away the Pounds 1 mile tape. I thought changing up my activity might help but no, not so much. I still have back pain this morning.

We're moving my dad into a smaller apartment on Saturday. Ugh. He's mad about it and making it into such a big fucking production that I can't even stand to talk to him right now. For example, I found out yesterday that I've been appointed by the president of my state's library association to serve a 2 year term on one of the association's standing committees. I'm pretty excited about it. I called my dad to tell him and he barely had anything to say about it. All he wanted to talk about was:

whether he should wash all his glassware (which he never uses) before moving so he can start out with eveything clean
why Big B and I would make plans with our mother & stepfather for dinner on Saturday knowing we would have to move him (We made the plans weeks ago before we knew his move date because surprisingly, we have lives beyond him)
why The Saint and I can't come up Friday night to start moving him (We have dinner plans with my in-laws)

He is literally moving across the hall from a 2 bedroom apartment into a 1 bedroom. This is not a big deal. It will not take us all day especially if he starts moving little things over there today. He has a key for the new place already.

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I don't know if I have mentioned this before but I am a midget magnet. Or perhaps they're dwarves. I'm not sure what the difference is but as one of my co-workers teases me "I see little people." Often. I know people who have never seen a midget/dwarf in real life. Ever. I have encountered probably at least 4 in the past year alone. I have nothing against them, I just think it's odd that I see them as frequently as I do.

Friday night The Saint and I were out to dinner at the only nice restaurant in our little town. We were in a booth and I had my back to the door. Out of no where The Saint starts laughing and won't tell me why. He's just shaking his head. Finally when we were getting ready to leave, he said "Look in the bar on the way out. There's a midget in there."

I of course didn't believe him but sure enough, there he was. Not only was he a midget/dwarf but he was black. What are the odds of encountering a black midget/dwarf while out to dinner? Evidently very high if you're me.

Snowy Sunday

2006-03-06T06:13:00.000-08:00

The awesome thing about having a treadmill in the tv room is that on days like yesterday, I don't have to go outside to exercise. The Saint locked the cats up at around 3:30 am Sunday morning so I could sleep in and I did. Until almost 9 which is unheard of! Woke up to some light snow and it continued to snow all day. Not very heavily as we only got about 3 inches but still it was nice to be inside. We had a light breakfast and hit the weights at about 10:30 am. The Saint was giggly again so we stood side by side so we weren't looking at each other and couldn't make each other laugh.

I did an hour on the treadmill both Saturday and Sunday. I don' t have that kind of time during the week so I have to make the most of these weekend workouts. During the week I can squeeze in 30-45 minutes depending on the day. I work out of a different campus every day so I get home at different times, depending on the hellishness of the commute that day.

My weekend eating really needs some improvement. I know what the problem is. Too much access to food. I don't overeat during the week because I only eat what I bring with me. I gotta get a grip on my weekend grazing!

I'm starting to feel the affects of exercising in the looseness of my clothes. And my calf muscles are getting some nice definition. I noticed that when I was shaving on Saturday. And The Saint mentioned that my belly looks flatter which was nice to hear. It's nice when I'm on track and I can see and feel the differences in my body. Why can't I just keep doing what I'm doing so I can hold onto this nice feeling?

Weight Lifting

2006-03-02T07:02:00.000-08:00

I read an article somewhere recently (WW magazine perhaps?) that talked about the differences between men and women when it comes to weight loss and exercise. It said that men prefer lifting weights and women prefer aerobic activity and really, both sexes need to do some of both activities.

That's The Saint and I in a nutshell. He doesn't like walking but his upper body is getting so ripped from lifting and while I don't like the treadmill, I'd rather do that than lift weights. So we decided that we would each hit the treadmill on our own but we will lift together on Wed-Fri-Sun.

So last night we hit the weights together and laughed so hard we almost hurt ourselves! When we do free weights, he can't watch me because he says my eyes get really big and it makes him laugh. And of course the harder he laughed, the harder I laughed. I was wheezing, I was laughing so hard. So we ended up standing back to back so we couldn't see each other. What dorks!
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My uncle has been giving Big B and I money to help us care for our dad. My dad doesn't know this yet. For some reason Dad is pissed at his brother and has been ignoring him for awhile now. My uncle will be in my dad's neighborhood tomorrow, wants to see him, but my dad won't return his calls. What is he, 12? My uncle plans on just showing up on his doorstep and I am sure a battle royale will ensue. Who knows what will be said in the heat of the moment? I think that's what I'm really dreading.

On the positive side, we got the power of attorney and healthcare power of attorney forms all signed and notarized. Dad gave the POA to Big B and I'm the back up. Up to this point, all we had was a Living Will. Dad told me recently he doesn't think he'll live longer than a year and he wants to make sure everything is in order. I personally think he's wrong and that he will live longer but, I'm happy to have the legalities taken care of.
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Almost overslept again this morning. If Bailey hadn't taken it upon herself to be a substitute alarm clock, we would've been seriously late. I must have some kind of mental block about the alarm clock because this is the 2nd or 3rd time recently that I've forgotten to set it.

Bye Bye February

2006-02-27T05:28:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's almost March 1st. Where oh where does the time go? My birthday is April 3rd so that means I have a little over a year left to reach my goal weight. Am I going to make it or will I hit 40 and still be grossly overweight? The tick tock of my weight loss clock just got a little louder...

I hit the treadmill 4 days last week and I feel pretty good about that. I miss walking outside and wish it were a little warmer around here but I can be patient.

Last year I used local 5ks as a way to motivate myself to diet and exercise and it worked well for a while. The first event I participated in was a fundraiser for a local library called the Dewey Dash. They're holding it again this year and since it kicks off their National Library Week activities it must be the weekend of April 1st. I told The Saint I want to walk in it again this year and he may even walk in it with me.

It seems as if everyone I know is pregnant or just had a baby. I get a faint, little twinge when I hear someone is pregnant but nothing more than that. I'm happy with my life with The Saint. And the cats. How could I forget the cats? Devlin had me up to feed him at 3:20 am twice last week! And then there's AW and RM.

We went out to dinner last Friday night to celebrate my BIL's birthday and AW and RM were so excited it was their daddy's birthday. When RM walked into the restaurant, she ran right to me, threw her arms around me, gave me a big kiss and said "I love you Auntie." She insisted I sit next to her at dinner, take her potty and generally talk to her all night. She also sang the national anthem for me into her straw. She knows all the words. She's three years old.

So it's the start of a new week, almost the start of a new month and I resolve to keep walking and make a stronger commitment to better eating.

Whoa, Where Did That Come From?

2006-02-10T07:11:00.000-08:00

I had this conversation with my brother Big B last Wednesday and I can't get it out of my head.

My brother and I are really close. We had a messy childhood, lots of people do, but the thing that made it bearable was that we had each other. No matter how many times we moved or got bounced back and forth between our parents, we stayed together. My dad understands and respects our bond. It drives our mother crazy. She's jealous of it and tries, in little ways, to undermine it.

So anyway, we were talking on Wednesday about this upcoming meeting (intervention) we're having with my dad and my uncles and I said I wanted it to be clear that the uncles came to us, we didn't go to them for help. I don't want my dad to feel we betrayed him or plotted behind his back. My brother disagrees because he feels we're beyond the point of caring about Dad's feelings. But I do care about his feelings because I want to continue to have a relationship with him while I got the impression that Big B didn't care about a relationship with Dad.

And basically he agreed that if he never saw either of our parents again, it wouldn't bother him. I think it would but I wasn't going to argue with him. And then he said that he doesn't want me to think badly of him for feeling that way.

Huh? If anyone understands how high maintenance, selfish and downright crazy our parents can be, it's me! When and why would I judge him? Does he feel like I've been judging him?

And he went on to say that he gets really frustrated with me for not cutting our parents out of my life because he hates to watch me get hurt over and over. That I don't seem to learn from experience with them. He doesn't understand why I don't take his advice about them and totally minimize contact with them. Why am I trying to have this great relationship with Dad this late in life and why all of a sudden am I spending more time with Mom, especially when we can see she's reverting to some of her old behaviors.

All I can say is that they are my parents and I am unable to completely walk away from them. I want and need a relationship with them.

Needless to say I'm up .5 pound this week. Ugh!

They're Called Memes...

2006-02-07T12:56:00.000-08:00

The Meme That Will Never Die

Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Librarian
2. Gas station attendant
3. Hallmark
4. Bagger at a grocery store

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. The Godfather
2. The Godfather II
3. A Christmas Story
4. The Thin Man

Four places I’ve lived:
1. San Mateo, CA
2. Chicago, IL
3. Evanston, IL
4. Lisle, IL

Four TV shows I love:
1. 24
2. The Shield
3. 30 Minute Meals
4. Rescue Me

Four places I’ve vacationed:
1. Warsaw, Poland
2. Toronto
3. Myrtle Beach, SC
4. New York City

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Shrimp scampi
2. Fajitas
3. BBQ ribs
4. Greek salad

Four sites I visit daily:
1. Mia Goddess
2. Go Fug Yourself
3. TheLibrary of Congress
4. Spark People

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Anywhere with The Saint
2. Sleeping in my bed
3. A bookstore
4. Cooking

Hard Choices

2006-01-27T06:41:00.000-08:00

The conference call last night was not at all what my brother and I expected but that's not to say it was completely pleasant either. My dad's twin brother is just fucking clueless. Even when we tell him things it's like he just doesn't get it or can't translate those ideas into what my dad's reality is. Does that make sense because I don't even know how to explain what a conversation with T is like.

My dad's older brother is much more business minded and approaches my dad as a business problem, no emotion involved. It sounds like he is going to help us out financially but he also wants to put my dad in an assisted living facility. Big B and I don't think Dad's ready for that so there's some compromising to be done there.

We are facing some tough challenges with Dad in the coming months and to say it won't be easy is a classic understatement. Dad is going to fight, vigorously, against any change. I'm am just dreading having to take a tough stance with him on his finances and his health but it HAS to be done because he is dragging Big B and me down with him.

I'm seeing my dad tomorrow and it will be hard for me because in a way I feel like we've been plotting behind his back. I feel disloyal which is ridiculous. And guilty. Ugh...

Weighed in this morning and lost .5 pounds. Of course I'm disappointed with that instead of being happy that the scale is moving in the right direction.

I Just Called to Say..You're Doing a Shitty Job

2006-01-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

I just got off the phone with my brother. He called to inform me that our uncles want to have a conference call on Thursday night to talk about our dad. I'm pretty sure this means they want to criticize how we've been taking care of our dad for the past 4 years since he had a stroke and we found out he's diabetic.

My dad has no money, never planned for retirement because he thought he'd keep working until he dropped dead. Didn't work out that way and now my brother and I are bearing the financial burden of taking care of him. Just the two of us. My uncles have not offered to help us. Ever. They barely go to see him.

If you met my dad you might not know that he's been ill. The things that are wrong with him are not immediately obvious: can't read anymore, virtually no short term memory, confuses easily, diabetic, poor circulation in his legs. My brother and I had to assume responsiblity for him since he is single although he does live alone, about 5 minutes from my brother. We get him to the doctor. Get his prescriptions refilled. Take him to get his haircut or buy clothes. One of us takes him grocery shopping once a week. We make up whatever financial shortfall there is between his disability and VA benefits.

My dad was not an easy person to get along with before he got sick and the bad parts of his personality have just gotten worse. He wasn't the best dad and there is some resentment, especially on my brother's part, that he has gotten himself into this mess and just expects us to take care of him. He's selfish and wants what he wants regardless of the stress and strain it puts on my brother and me.

Perfect example. When we moved him to his current apartment, we got him a 2 bedroom apartment because that's all that was available in that building. We had to take it because it's the only apartment building in town with an elevator and he needs the elevator. My brother was talking to the building manager before Christmas and a one bedroom in that building is now available. It's over $100 less a month in rent. My dad absolutely refuses to move into it because it overlooks the back parking lot. It's so frustrating because we could use that $100 on something else for him. He just doesn't care about any of that or the stress it causes us.

And we are under a lot of stress. Financial. Emotional. I'd really like to go home right now and crawl into bed. I guess that's better than wanting to go home and eat everything in sight, right? My heart is beating really fast, I'm at work and I just keep telling myself to breathe. Who cares what my uncles think. If I don't like what they have to say, I can just hang up. I know we're doing the best we can.

My brother has worked himself into a total frenzy about this call. He keeps making noises about how he can't take anymore of Dad and he keeps threatening to just walk away. I don't know what I would do if he did that. I cannot do this on my own, not when my dad lives 55 miles away.

Parents

2006-01-23T05:57:00.000-08:00

I love my parents. I do. Despite their craziness and despite my fucked up childhood, I love them. But they're very needy and I don't know if it's because I'm the girl child, the oldest, a sucker, good hearted, or because my brother is aloof, I'm the one they cling to. Here's an example from this weekend:

Friday: lunch with Mom (and brother)
Saturday: Grocery shopping with Dad, one phone call from Dad
Sunday: 3 phone calls from Dad, 2 phone calls from Mom

My mom is very lonely. For years my stepfather has been working as consultant and so during the week he works out of town and then comes home on the weekends. She hates that he's gone but loves the lifestyle his salary affords them. This week he came home late Friday night and had to leave at 8am Sunday morning to go to a conference in Raleigh so they barely got to spend any time together. Which put my mom in a funk despite her antidepressants.

So what started out as getting together for dinner this week has turned into my sleeping over at her house on Wednesday. We'll go out to dinner and then come home and play endless games of Yahtzee and perhaps even one game of Scrabble. Not that it won't be fun but I'm 38 years old. I have a house and a husband. Cats.

But then I feel guilty because I've committted to going to my dad's every other weekend and I'm sure my mom would love it if I got together with her every other week. Should I try to do that? Maybe not sleep over every time but set aside one night every two weeks to spend with her? Especially because I know she's often sad and lonely and loves to spend time with me?

I guess the question I need to answer is whether I would be doing it because I want to spend time with her or if I'm doing it to try to "fix" things for her. I tend to be a fixer which often lets me ignore my own problems while focusing on someone else's so I have to be careful not to fall into that trap especially when I should be focusing on my health and fitness efforts.

Surprise

2006-01-20T05:47:00.000-08:00

I was in a major funk this week. Normally this would be accompanied by lots of eating. Not only did I not overeat this week, I lost 4.5 pounds! I almost fell off the scale this morning, I was so surprised. I had to weigh myself again just to make sure I read the numbers right the first time.

Lunch with my mom and brother today. We could get 4-8 inches of snow overnight and I'm supposed to go up to my dad's in the morning. I'm hoping my brother offers to take him shopping instead of making me drive up there. I'm not holding my breath though because he seems really sick of our dad right now.

I'm reading Passing for Thin right now. I just started it but already there are things that I can completely identify with. Many of the reviews I read of this book focused on how much the reader didn't like the writer. They found her very selfish and narcissistic. I'm reserving judgement until I've read more of it.

Finding My Groove

2006-01-16T07:06:00.000-08:00

I'm a creature of habit. The more routine I can make my diet and fitness efforts, the more likely I am to succeed. When my routine is interrupted, bad things can and often do happen. Like I stop exercising or eat totally off plan.

So now that I'm back on my program, I'm trying really hard to minimize disruptions to my routine at least initially during this crucial early period. I'm having lunch with my mother and brother on Friday but I picked the restaurant. I know from past experience that this restaurant serves two really yummy dishes that are points friendly and will leave me feeling happy and satisfied even if my brother snarfs down French onion soup followed by a gynormous plate of nachos.

Next week I'm supposed to have dinner with two girlfriends and I'm seriously thinking about cancelling. They want to go to Baker's Square, home of a jillion types of pie. I just don't feel strong enough to go there right now and while I'm sure I could ask them to change the restaurant and they would, happily, I just don't feel like dealing with that right now.

And then there's the Super Bowl. The Saint wants to go to a party at his brother's but there is no way in hell I would successfully make it through hours of access to the ton of food that will be available. Ain't happening right now. And if he goes without me there will be a million questions about why I'm not there. So of course he wants me to go and though he doesn't say it, I know he thinks I should just be able to tough it out or bring a vegetable tray and be fine with that. But it won't be fine. Or maybe it would but why have to deal with that struggle right now?

I'm grooving along pretty well right now and while I cannot avoid all social engagements until I've lost all this weight (for one thing I have a baby shower on the 28th I HAVE to attend) I don't think it's a big deal to temporarily avoid situations that I know will be tough for me. Right?

The other part of this is that, for whatever reason, I really don't want to be anywhere other than my own house right now. I'm happiest when I'm there and I'm sure part of it is that I have total control of my environment. Work is just something I have to endure until I can get back home. I love my house. I love The Saint. I love my cats. And I really don't want to be anywhere else other than at home with them.

I'm sure this all will pass but this is where I am right now.

The Real Test

2006-01-09T05:25:00.000-08:00

Today I'm back to my normal schedule at work which means I'm downtown. This will be the true test of my resolve. Last week I got back on WW, counting points and journaling like a good girl which was easy since I only worked 3 days and out of my home campus which meant my commute was blissful and I was home by 4:30 every afternoon.

Now I'm back on the crazed merry-go-round of my regular schedule and I just need to hang tough. But I learned some things like tonight is my late night and to make life easier and points friendly, I will nuke a Lean Cusisine and toss a salad for dinner. It doesn't need to be more complicated than that.

Still not exercising because I cannot shake the end of this cold. My cough gets worse as the day goes on so by the time I go to bed, I'm hacking up a lung and my voice is shot. I'm getting itchy to get on the treadmill though.

Friday is my official weigh in day and last week I was down 2 pounds. Not bad....

Happy New Year!

2006-01-04T13:05:00.000-08:00

My Christmas was wonderful, busy, crazy and full of germ spreading children who managed to pass on the mother of all colds/flu. At least it hit me on the 26th and only ruined my New Year's Eve plans. I'm still not totally over it but at least I'm back among the living.

So being bed ridden gave me a lot of time to think. Reflect. Evaluate. Plan. I came to the conclusion that more than one area of my life is out of control and that it is up to me to take control. There is no magic pill and no fairy godmother to make everything all better. The only one who can stop the madness and turn things around is me. No excuses. No whining. Just me doing what I need to do to get my shit together.

2006 has to be the Year of Me. I can no longer put off dealing with my issues by making everyone and everything else more important than me. Easier said than done. I may have to make some of this up as I go along but at least I know what changes I have to make even if I'm not entirely sure how to make them.

Today is my first day back at work since December 16th and so I decided to also restart WW today. I've got my little blue notebook out and I'm writing down every bite that passes my lips. I'm debating whether to hit the treadmill tonight or if that will just send me into an uncontrollable coughing spasm. I suppose I could try and if it's too much, stop.

And while I was sick I picked up a new addiction: Fox's show 24. I'm frantically trying to get through the first 4 seasons before season 5 begins on the 15th. I know I don't watch a lot of TV but how in the world did I miss this show?

Holiday Overload

2005-11-17T09:57:00.000-08:00

I don't how the hell my holidays have gotten so crazy and out of control but, they are. On top of the holidays, we have 5 family birthdays in November and December. And I made a list of the Christmas gifts I've bought and still need to get and noticed that I have to shop for 29 people this year. That's insane. Money just flies out of my hands this time of year.

And last night instead of getting my fat ass on the treadmill I found myself writing out Thanksgiving cards. What?! Like the 300 Christmas cards I send out aren't enough, I have to throw Thanksgiving cards into the mix?

Until this week the weather here has been really warm and I think that tricked me into thinking I had tons of time and didn't need to start my Christmas shopping yet. Then yesterday we got our first snow and today we won't even get out of the 30s. Panic has set in. I ran to Toys R Us at lunch yesterday and today I've been frantically checking out everyone's Amazon wish lists.

I've been doing a decent job with my eating but not of blocking out time for the treadmill. So to compensate I've been squeezing in walking in other ways such as not taking a cab, doing a circuit around the mall before going into the store, etc. It's not ideal but better than nothing.

The Saint will be on vacation after today and doesn't go back to work until the 28th. I have a chorelist a mile long for him which will make my life a little easier and he doesn't mind. Much.

World Champions

2005-10-28T11:31:00.000-07:00

Hell must've frozen over because the Chicago White Sox are the World Champions. The last time they won the World Series:

-I hadn't been born yet
-My parents hadn't been born yet
-My grandparents hadn't been born yet
-My great-grandparents hadn't yet emigrated to this coutnry from Ireland

In other words, it was a long ass time ago.....

Congratulations ChiSox!

Tired of food

2005-10-21T11:58:00.000-07:00

Last night, after work, I went to the grocery store. I had made really bad food choices all day and was feeling fat, full and just generally in a funk. The mere thought of buying food seemed disgusting but necessary so there I was, aimlessly wandering the aisles. I had a list with me but I had vague things written on it like "stuff for lunches."

Without really thinking about what I was doing, I started piling items in the cart: Granny Smith apples, cherry tomatoes, orange bell peppers, tuna, salmon, Melba toast. I bypassed the cookies and chips, even the reduced fat variety. When I looked down at my cart it struck me that what I had been throwing stuff in my cart screamed "light" food to me: no bananas, no potatoes, no beef, no Triscuits, nothing "heavy." I had this need to lighten my diet, my spirit and my body. It was a weird revelation to have in the middle of Cub Foods and I don' t know how to explain it other than I'm tired of feeling heavy and weighed down by fat and the neverending, constant fucking stress of being fat, being on a diet, being insecure about how I look, constantly obsessing about what I just ate and what I'm going to eat next and all that crap that goes with being fat and on a diet. Ugh.

The Saint and I had a long talk about it when I got home and I didn't do a really good job of articulating what I've been feeling but I think he got the gist of it and long story short, I'm big time back on my program. And as The Saint, who knows me so well said, "Starting right now. No putting it off until Monday, or until after your period is over or until after the holidays or whatever other excuse you can come up with. Now."

And then I read this blog today and the author seemed to capture exactly how I've been feeling and she wrote two things in particular that really struck a chord with me:

"I was tired of food." This was exactly how I felt yesterday.

"Your body is your responsibility." Too bad my body got such a crappy owner.
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The niece (RM) and the nephew (AW) are spending the weekend with us. I can't wait! Tomorrow we're taking them to the Pumpkin Festival at Blackberry Farm. We're going to freeze our asses off but it'll be fun. The train will be running and it takes visitors over to the pumpkin patch where you can pick out a pumpkin for "a small fee." And not only will the munchkins be in residence but Little Guy, the in-law's cat, is at our place too. Talk about a mad house.
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Usually we don't strictly enforce bedtime when the kids stay with us but we will be this Saturday night. It's Game One of the World Series. Houston vs. Chicago. In Chicago. I don't think I'll really believe it's happening until the first pitch because I never thought this would happen in my lifetime. But it is! And I'm totally nauseated, thrilled, anxious and excited.

Let's go, Go-Go White Sox
We're with you all the way
You're always in there fighting and you do your best
We're glad to have you out here in the middle west
We're gonna root root root root White Sox
And cheer you on to victory
When we're in the stands we'll make those rafters ring
All through the season you will hear us sing
Let's go, Go-Go White Sox
Chicago is proud of you
White Sox White Sox Go, go White Sox
Root root root for the White Sox
We'll cheer you on to victory
When we're in the stands we'll make those rafters ring
All through the season you will hear us sing
Let's go, Go-Go White Sox
Chicago is proud of you
White Sox White Sox Go, go White Sox
Let's go, Go-Go White Sox
Chicago is proud of you

"Let's Go, Go-Go White Sox" was written by Chicago natives Walter "Lil Wally" Jagiello and the late Al Trace in 1959 as a tribute to their favorite team.

Happy Anniversary

2005-10-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

Eight years ago today, on a gorgeous October afternoon, The Saint and I were married in this beautiful chapel. It was the best thing I've ever done.

J, I love you the stars, the sky and the moon. Big garages and little garages.

Christmas List

2005-10-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

I have started putting together my Christmas list. Oh yes, I write a Christmas list every year. Still. I'm 38. I write one for my mother, one for my mother-in-law and one for The Saint. I adore presents!

Here are some things currently on my list:

I'm dying to read this book!

I gotta have a pair of these!

Do you think I can put this on the filing cabinet in my office?

I need this for my tree!
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The 8th Wedding Anniversary Weekend Extravaganza begins today. The Saint and I are headed out for Thai food tonight. Trying new restaurants during our anniversary weekend has become a ritual for us. We usually try two or three. We're going out early so we can get home to watch the White Sox-Angels game. After Wednesday night's game, who knows what the hell will happen tonight!
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Ronan is being such a bitch about his medicine! Like an idiot, I gave him the Clavamox after I dressed for work this morning and didn't notice until I got to work that I have spit up antibiotic on the shoulder of my shirt. Nice.

Have a great weekend!

Eating Machine

2005-10-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

I have become a veritable eating machine people and it's not pretty! It's stress and not getting enough exercise and my inability to just say no!

The Bad
See that cute little black kitty in my profile picture? That's my baby, Ronan. He is just the sweetest thing but, he's been sick this week and I am out of my mind with worry. Long story short he has an eye infection, a fever, doesn't want to eat, has thrown up from one end of my house to the other and is an absolute bitch to try and give liquid antibiotics to. Oh and the eye salve. He really loves that! We've been to the vet twice this week which is his other favorite thing.

My father. Just the neverending responsibility of him. It is so wearing. I'm getting a few weeks off from him. I don't have to go back up there until the 29th, thanks to the Big B.

Work. I love it but it's also wearing on me the being in a different place each day.

Sleep. I need it. I want it. I gotta have it. Unfortunately I only get it in small quantities. Perfect example. They're doing some construction right up the street from my house on this 2 lane, no street lights, country road. It's still 2 lanes but one lane is a little narrower because they were some construction horse set up on the shoulder and partially in the lane. Some asshole tearing along this morning at about 3 am didn't see the jillion orange signs and smashed through all the cosntruction horses. This morning all that was left were splinters of wood. Literally. We had our bedroom window open and it sounded like the truck crashed in our backyard. It scared the crap out of all us. I thought I would be able to fall back to sleep but then all the emergency vehicles showed up and it was lit up like a Hollywood set out there.

The Good
I have a long weekend coming up. Even though our anniversay is the 18th, The Saint and I are taking Monday the 17th off. We're going to try some new restaurants this weekend and go the Bears game with my family on Sunday. On Monday I'm not doing a DAMN thing.

The weekend of the 22nd our nephew AW and niece RM are spending the weekend with us. Love em! They're hysterical. AW is in kindergarten and he informed me last week he has a girlfriend and "She wants to get married but I just want her to be my girlfriend." He's 5. How can he be commitment-phobic already?

The Ugly
My eating. I had a perfectly nice Lean Cuisine, cup of unsweetened applesauce and Diet 7UP for lunch. And then I felt the need to top that off with a bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos from the vending machine.

On a totally different topic: the White Sox. They did the unthinkable and swept the defending champions the Red Sox. Last night they lost game one of the ALCS to the Angels. I was speechless but not completely surprised. After all I've had my heart broken many times by various Chicago sports teams.

Sox Rock

2005-10-04T05:47:00.000-07:00

OMG, my White Sox are the AL Central champions and open the division series against the Red Sox today at The Cell. I'm so nauseous. I am by no means a cool and calm sports fan. Quite the opposite. I get way too into it, live and die with every pitch, every hit, every out, hence the nausea. The biting of the nails. The gnashing of the teeth. The swearing. I'm a spaz but I am helpless to be anything but. My father introduced me to the world of Chicago sports as a wee child. He has always been a passionate fan and since I learned at his knee, I know no other way. This was a man who as a high school football player played BOTH offense and defense. His team went undefeated all four years and I think he played every down. He gets as excited about a Tiger Woods' tee shot as he does a Brian Urlacher sack, a Greg Maddux pitch or a Paul Konerko homerun. And if nothing else, I am my father's daughter.
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I'm at our downtown campus 3 out of 5 days this week which means I'm getting a brisk one mile walk in every morning from Union Station to school. That would be great if it weren't so hot and humid here this week. C'mon already! Is it October 4th or July 4th? We turned our air conditioning on Sunday night and it's still on. That being said, the temperature is supposed to plunge from a high of 81 on Wednesday to a mere high of 56 on Thursday. Typical.
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The Lean Cuisine thing is going pretty well except for days like today when I walked out the door without my lunch. I've only had one meal that I didn't like, everything else was pretty decent. I know everyone complains about the amount of sodium in frozen dinners but for me, for now, it's an acceptable trade off.

Don't you just love Fall?

2005-09-27T06:58:00.000-07:00

The period of time between Labor Day and Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite. I adore Fall! My nesting instinct kicks into overdrive. Over the weekend I cooked and froze a beef soup full of lots of veggies, chili and a casserole, I polished my silver, and put flannel sheets on our bed. Other things I like about Fall:

Weather-I love the crispness of the air. Goodbye broiling sun. So long horrendous humidity. Hello cool breezes and falling leaves. Now I can exercise outside again without fear of keeling over from heatstroke. I much prefer walking outside to my treadmill but slackers can't be choosers!

Fashion-I love to wear brown. In fact, I'm wearing it today. And I wore it yesterday. I may wear it tomorrow. And if there is a God, the cooler weather will force everyone to put away their damn flip flops. Man I'm tired of girls/women who think that flip flops are perfectable acceptable with any attire and for any occasion. They're not. When I was in D.C. a few weeks ago I even saw a twentysomething guy on the Metro in a beautiful suit and black flip flops. C'mon people! Not every fashion trend needs to be followed blindly by the masses.

Sports-Right now is a sports lover's smorgasbord: there's so much to choose from. Baseball's regular season is winding down, football has three weeks under it's belt and hockey is in its preseason. Over the weekend, the Chicago White Sox, Chicago Cubs, Chicago Bears and Chicago Blackhawks all played at home. Traffic was a nightmare but who cares?
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Yesterday my eating was as close to perfect as I get. Today started out well until I stopped by a co-worker's office. She has a huge basket of mini Tootsie Rolls (love 'em) and caramels on her desk. I grabbed a handful and ate 4 before I even realized what I was doing. Totally unconscious. Didn't even register until I went to throw the wrappers away. Ugh!
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Message to my beloved ChiSox. If you wanted your fans out on ledge, we're there. Enough already. I've bitten every nail I have to the quick watching you go from a 15 game lead on August 1st to a 2 game lead today. Last night you dropped a perfectly winnable game against the freakin Tigers! Do you want to win the division? Do you want to get to the postseason? Because you're not playing like it and in fact you're in very real danger of becoming the team who blew the biggest lead ever. Please don't become that team. You'll break my heart.

Up 15

2005-09-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

I stepped on the scale for the first time in weeks and I'm up 15 pounds from my lowest weight this year. Ugh! However, not really a surprise. Depressing but not surprising.

The other night The Saint and I had a good talk about my downward spiral and he was very sweet and supportive. He was actually willing to cut me more slack than I was willing to cut myself but I'm tired of excuses. Hey, this is my life. I can't fall back into bad habits everytime I get sick, have my period, have to go out of town on business, work late or have to deal with my father.

So since work is busy right now (what else is new), when I went shopping last night I bought a bunch of Lean Cuisines for lunch and dinner for next week. I thought this would help me with my time constraint and portion control issues not to mention that they very helpfully list the Weight Watchers Points on the side of the box. I haven't bought any Lean Cuisines lately and they have some new stuff that will hopefully taste as good as it looks on the packaging.

And one way or the other, I need to start walking again. Pronto!
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What the fuck is up with the Chicago White Sox? Last night, bottom of the 9th, bases loaded, 1 out and they can't fucking score. AND go on to lose in the 11th. I'm nauseous just thinking about it. Christ, it's hard to be a sports fan in Chicago.
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I had a blast in Virginia last week. My friend David and I got to hang out and damn he is funny!Seriously funny. We laughed our asses off all week. His dad had a stroke about a year ago and we always share "dad" stories. Tuesday night we had a problem with his car (long story) and his first reaction was to call his dad. He said to me "I'm 40 fucking years old and I still want to call my dad with my problems." In the end he didn't because he knows his dad isn't the same and wouldn't be able to help. God, I so identified with that! It was heartbreaking to watch him come to that realization but, I'm glad I was with him. We got through it and even laughed about it because humor is great coping mechanism.

Thursday I finished at about noon and got to sightsee. I did speed tours of the Smithsonian Visitor Center (the Castle), the National Gallery of Art, the National Air & Space Museum, and my favorite, the National Museum of American History.
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My plan for this weekend is to walk both days and journal my eating. I can do this.

No time for me

2005-09-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

Not only was it a short week due to the holiday but two days of it were taken up with accreditation visits. And I have a cold. And I'm flying out to Virginia on Monday to set up the library at one of our new campuses. I have my ticket. No hotel yet. No idea if I will have to rent a car. I also have no idea what the hell the holdup is. Obviously I'm not making my own travel arrangements. I'm a planner. I'm organized. Duh, I'm a librarian. I don't like leaving shit to the last minute and to me, this is very last minute.

Between my cold and working 13 hour days this week, I have been a total slug in the fitness department. It's really aggravating me. My nose has unplugged enough that I thought I could get out of here at a decent time and go hit the treadmill but, I saw a little notation on my calendar for today. Dentist: 3:45 The Saint, 4:30 me. Crap. I just want to go home and workout. I don't want any detours or distractions. I'm tired and it won't take much for me to put off the treadmill yet again and go to bed early.

I'll be gone all next week. I have a friend out there who has promsied to take me out and we'll "paint the town red." I don't have the heart to tell him that my "painting" days are over and I'm ready for bed by 9:30 at the latest!

I'll miss The Saint, Riley, Bailey, Devlin and Ronan but I think these business trips are good. It makes them appreciate me more!

Hurricane Katrina

2005-09-02T06:38:00.000-07:00

Tragic. Horrifying. Scary. Sad. Unbelievable. Heartbreaking. I don't have adequate words to describe the situation on the Gulf coast. I've been watching coverage of the events in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama all week and while it depresses the shit out of me, I can't stop watching.

I have been kicked into disaster planning mode by these events and The Saint has been patiently humoring me and reassuring me, used to my sporadic bouts of freaked-outedness. The biggest threat to us, where we live, is tornado or fire. I've insisted we sit down and create a disaster plan this weekend. For example, if we had a fire, how would we round up the cats? How would we get out of the house from the second floor?

I feel for the people in these areas that are now left without anything but their lives: homes, clothes, food, water, identification, jobs, etc. If you want to help them, donate to the Salvation Army or the Red Cross.

There's another population that needs your help just as much. The animals. The Humane Society of the United States has launched a relief effort to help the animals affected by this disaster and you can make a donation here. I did.

Thanks for the heads up

2005-08-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

I came in this morning to find out our campus is undergoing an internal audit by a team from another campus and our VP of Academic Affairs. News to me! Thanks for the big heads up. And it looks like I'll be heading to Virginia in about three weeks to set up the libraries at our two new campuses out there. Cool.
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Had an awesome weekend with our nephew, AW. He is the funniest, cutest thing ever! We took him to Chuck E Cheese where I ate way too much pizza but, I think I worked most of it off playing endless rounds of Skee Ball. AW rocks at Skee Ball for a five year old. Hell for any age. He rolled the ball into that 100,000 points hole three times!

On Sunday I was determined to work some physical activity into our weekend so we headed over to the Red Oak Nature Center and explored the trails around there. There is a beautiful observation deck that overlooks the Fox River where we stopped to take pictures before hiking to Devil's Cave. It's a small cave with a low ceiling so The Saint and I had to squat inside it. I tried not to think about what might be crawling or flying around inside the cave while we were in there. The Saint was so impressed I even came up with the idea of going to Red Oaks. Normally any encounter with nature leaves me freaked out and screaming like the girl that I am. I hate bugs, spiders and insects of any kind, I'm always afraid of stumbling across a snake like I did once while walking the trail at the Willowbrook Wildlife Center and I never used to walk through the forest without a hat on for fear of something (tick, bird shit, etc.) falling on my head. But I managed to handle our Sunday hike without incident or freaking AW out by shrieking in fear.

What can I say? It's a new me.

Pity Party

2005-08-19T06:27:00.000-07:00

If you saw a fat, blonde woman in a black Sentra, flying down I-355 at about 6:50 am this morning, windows down, the Scorpions' "No One Like You" blaring, that was me. Hope I didn't scare you. I was trying to banish my leftover blues, hoping they would be swept out of me and the car by the wind and loud music. And it worked. Pretty much.

Yesterday I read an awesome post by Jonathan titled "I believe" and it was like this huge lightbulb went on for me. I have been so big picturing things in the health and fitness arena that I haven't been paying attention to the work that needs to be done on a daily basis. I kind of knew I had been doing that but didn't really know how counterproductive it was or how to fix it. Even focusing on one day at a time is beyond me right now. I need to break it down into even smaller increments. Like how can I stay on plan for the next hour or two.

I seem to be doing ok with long term planning and goals with my walking. I'm cool with that but my eating! Woo man. I think I've mentioned that I feel out of control at worst and inconsistent at best. So no more looking down the road for me. No more focusing on my goal weight or even weekly goals. In fact, I may just stop weighing myself all together for the time being. Yeah, right!

Anyway, today I am going to focus on just getting through one hour at a time. For one hour can I stay away vending machines, or the doughnuts in the Education Office or the candy in Financial Aid? Maybe. Maybe not.

And this self doubt, wishy-washiness, lack of willpower or whatever it is that is making losing weight so damn hard for me, really depressed me last night and hence, the pity party. I still hit the treadmill for 30 minutes, called my dad, did 2 loads of laundry, cooked dinner, and made my lunch for today but, I was in bed, remote in hand, by 7:30 last night.

I was too depressed to read (a rarity, believe me) and The Saint was holed up in his office, the sounds of Led Zeppelin leaking under the closed door. I flipped back and forth between the Saints-Patriots game, "Man with the Golden Gun" and bad music videos on "We Are The 80s." I actually watched the horrible video for Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money" followed by the equally horrendous Pointer Sisters' "I'm so Excited." I even sat through an Icicle Works video. Yikes.

The Saint, sensing my mood, joined me at around 9 and gave me an awesome backrub. He has the strongest hands and gives the best rubs! He's also going with me to my dad's tonight and taking us all out to dinner. That way I won't have to go up there Saturday morning and I can stay home, finish the laundry and do some cleaning before our nephew AW comes for a sleepover.

So long story short, I have a new focus, I'm feeling better and it's FRIDAY!!!

Best of all, my mid morning snack is only 42 minutes away.

Oh no, not the mall! Anything but the mall....

2005-08-17T06:05:00.000-07:00

If I gave The Saint a choice between sticking a hot poker in his eye or going to the mall, he'd really have to think about it. Seriously.

Therefore, unfortunately for him, we have two weddings coming up in September and since he's been working out and cutting back on his beer, he needed a new jacket, shirt and tie. Hence the trip to the mall last night amidst much crying, whining and gnashing of teeth. I keep telling him that when people ask if I have children I tell them "Yeah, one, and he's 34."

We managed to get him a nice outfit and I even talked him into buying a pair of Nike walking shoes so he can break them in before the 3K. His biceps are like rocks now and he's got a really sexily defined arm thing going on. And his beer belly has gone way down. Mmmmm.

I only bought a little black purse last night. I already have my outfit for the weddings. I'm wearing the same thing to both since different people will be at both. It's a 3 piece black outfit: shell, jacket and pants. The last time I wore it was to a wedding in May 2004 and it was so snug I couldn't button the jacket and the shell was hideously tight. I tried it on the other night and it fits great except if I lose anymore weight between now and September 4th (right, with the way I've been eating lately) the pants will be too big.

In a last ditch effort to get some kind of grip on my eating, I've dug out my little blue notebook so I can resume recording every little bit of food that passes my lips. I've got way too much mindless eating going on right now.

In other news, my beloved White Sox have dropped four in a row but I'm not panicking. Much.

Birthday Bash

2005-08-15T07:09:00.000-07:00

I worked Saturday. Nothing like working six days in a row to mess with your fitness and nutrition efforts. However, I got a really good walk in on Sunday morning so I can't complain too much. And Saturday night I made Zuccini Oven Chips and Shrimp Pad Thai using recipes from the current issue of Cooking Light. Yum! So maybe the weekend wasn't as bad as I thought.

Sunday was the long awaited, much anticipated birthday bash for our nephew AW at Choo Choo Johnny's. He doesn't turn 5 until the 16th but since this restaurant is about 1 1/2 hours from where most of the family lives, we had to do it Sunday.

We drove over to The Saint's brother's house so we could all drive to Choo Choo Johnny's together in their van. Thank God we did because we got kind of lost and it was better that we were all in one car. But let me back up for a minute. For some reason AW and his sister RM wore costumes to the restaturant. Not that they weren't adorable but it just seemed odd to me.
AW was dressed as a Los Lonely Boy. He loves that group and knows all their names and their songs. He had on a Los Lonely Boys t-shirt, jeans and a bandana around his head. RM was dressed as Cinderella, glass (plastic) slippers, blue ball gown and all.

There are booths along the walls of the restaurant but we sat at the U-shaped counter. The waitress sounds a whistle and a train comes out from the kitchen with your food on it, running on tracks along the inside edge of the counter. The waitress stops the train in front of your seat and takes the food off the train for you. Very cool, especially for the kids, and the staff was great.

AW is going to spend the weekend with us next weekend and we'll probably take him to Chuck E. Cheese. He's so cute and funny. We put some money in the college fund we set up for him and my sister-in-law told him because I had written a note on the card. I think she said "Yea, you got more money for college!" and he said, with a really puzzled look on his face "I'm ready for college?" For someone starting kindergarten in a few weeks, college seems so far away but according to my calculations it's only 13 years away.

What is up with my eating?

2005-08-09T05:46:00.000-07:00

I just cannot seem to get a handle on my eating. I have no consistency. I can have the most nutritionally perfect breakfast and then make the worst possible choice for lunch. Or stick to my plan all day until I get home where I end up eating everything in sight. It is so frustrating.

And the most frustrating part is that I have the power to control what I eat. I make the decisions so there is no one else to blame but me. To eat or not to eat has been the question and obviously to eat, and then eat even more has been the answer. Ugh!

The only bright spot has been my dedication to walking. I'm so on it and loving it and doing it almost every day. ANd it's the only thing keeping my weight in check at this point.

But I don't want to be holding steady, I want to be losing which I won't be if I don't stop putting every bit of food that crosses my path, into my mouth!

Bridal Shower Hell

2005-08-08T05:37:00.000-07:00

I attended two bridal showers this weekend: one on Saturday and one on Sunday. The one on Saturday was so different from any shower experience I have ever had that I'm still reeling from it. In fact, I had dreams about showers last night. I dreamt I kept getting invitations to them and that all my weekends from now through the end of the year were filled with nothing but showers.

And why do they serve fattening food at bridal showers when inevitably the bride, the mothers and the entire bridal party are on diets?

The shower on Saturday was for friend of mine and I have had limited exposure to her family. I knew they were kind of messed up and white trashy but woo boy! At one point her uncle, a deadringer for a young Sam Elliott, came out into this backyard full of women sans shirt. All he had on were black jeans, black work boots and a cigarette stuck in the corner of his mouth. I was there half an hour before anyone offered me a drink and the appetizers were some ripped open bags of chips tossed on a table. Lunch was ok. No dessert. No favors. The shower was given by her aunts and what was really weird was that none of them bought her anything off her registries. They all got her picture frames and/or photo albums. No lie, if she got one picture frame she got 15. But for the most part my friend was happy and enjoyed herself so it was worth the hour drive to attend.

I'm sure this all sounds really judgmental but I can't help it. Any social event like this and my etiquette gene kicks into overdrive. I grew up with a mother that could put Emily Post to shame. When I got married, I had an engagement party, three bridal showers, a rehearsal dinner, a wedding ceremony and a reception all done absolutely by the book.

The shower on Sunday was more like what I'm used to and only three hours long. I ended up being half an hour late because I went to the golf club where the reception is going to be rather than to the country club where the shower was being held. D'oh! My mother-in-law and sister-in-law were waiting anxiously for me because I am more likely to be 30 minutes early than 30 minutes late. They called The Saint to see when I'd left the house and he was supremely unworried that I was late. He just assumed I got lost since I have no sense of direction.

Speaking of lost, I did get turned around trying to get home from Saturday's shower. I was on my cell phone with The Saint and trying to figure out how to get back to the highway. I heard him sigh then he said "Just do the opposite on your way back. If you turned right off Cicero onto 175th, then turn left off 175th to get back on Cicero." That's easy for him to say, he's not directionally challenged!

And despite two showers and a trip to my dad's this weekend, I did squeeze in time to walk. No easy feat believe me! So I'm giving myself today off.

Back to normal

2005-08-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

Today is really the first pain free day I've had since Saturday's 5K. How ridiculous is that? I think I just walked way too fast and everything on my right leg from the top of my knee to the tips of my toes hurt. Especially painful is the area right above my ankle. Yowza!

Pain or not I've kept walking. I did take Sunday off but, I've walked each day since hoping to walk off whatever the problem was and I guess it worked. If the pain had gotten worse I would've stopped but it didn't so I had no excuse to stop walking.

When my brother and I were kids and we would get hurt, our dad would always say to us "You're ok just walk if off. That's it, shake it off." To this day, B and I joke about it. We could have a broken arm or be bleeding and dad would still say "Walk it off." The Saint and I were in a really serious car accident about 5 months before our wedding and the first thing my brother said to me when they finally let him see me in the Emergency Room was "What are you still doing in bed? C'mon walk it off!" It was the only possible thing that could've made me smile at that moment.

So I guess I had my dad's voice in my head this week every time I got back on the treadmill and for once, he was right.

My next event is a 3k at the end of August. The Saint will be walking with me and since he's a newbie, I decided to take it easy on him in his first event. I can't wait!

The Pregnant, the Middle Aged and Me

2005-07-31T05:28:00.000-07:00

We had beautiful weather Saturday morning for the 5K. At race time it was about 70 and sunny with none of that horrendous humidity that has been plaguing us in recent weeks. The event was in held in my town so it was only about a 5 minute drive to the registration site at the Community House. The Saint and our nephew NF got up really early to go with me and it meant a lot to have their support especially when I found out there were only FOUR walkers entered in this event: a pregnant woman, two women in their 50s and me.

The pregnant woman, Michelle, and I walked together for about the first mile and a half and the other two women, obviously friends, walked together. It turns out that Michelle and I live in the same subdivision, she's due in October and normally she runs in this event. She's in much better shape than I am and set a pretty fast pace. After about 1.5 miles were in an area where the course took a turn and we were being lapped by runners so, it got kind of crowded. I moved behind her so we were single file and I let her get ahead of me. Her pace was killing me and I was afraid if I didn't slow down, I wouldn't be able to finish.

My goals for each race have been: finish under an hour and don't finish last. I knew I had the first goal in the bag but, in such a small field, I was afraid I would be dead last. In fact I was in last place for most of the last mile and there was a pickup trailing behind me so the passenger could pick up the orange traffic cones. Man, that really pissed me off! Once the driver was really on my ass so I turned and gave him a dirty look. Thankfully he got the message and stopped to talk to some other event workers, which allowed me to build up some distance between us.

So Michelle finished first and I think the two other women thought they were last even though I was only about half a block behind them with the finish line in sight. One of the women looked over her shoulder and spotted me. "C'mon and join us!" she yelled. "We'll all cross the finish line together so no one is last."

I thought this was incredibly sweet so I jogged up to them. At that point my right foot was really tender and jogging was neither pretty nor easy but, I'm glad I did it. The petite blond woman was the one who asked me to join them and her friend had a cool Australian accent. These two had decided to join the race for something to do. They were having fun, enjoying the beautiful summer morning and each other. For the short time I walked with them, they made me feel very welcome. And in the end they manuevered me between them so the blond friend finished second after Michelle, then me, and last was the Australian woman.

So I accomplished both my goals after all thanks to some help from my fellow walkers. My time was 53:36 which was almost 3 minutes faster than my last 5k and I finished next to last.
*************************************************************************************

After the race The Saint and I took NF out for breakfast and then back to my in-laws so he could pack. He flew back to Connecticut that afternoon and it was sad to see him go. He's a great kid and we had such a nice visit with him.

Once we got back home, I managed to get a few loads of laundry done before my brother B and his wife J came over with their dogs Payton and C.J. My brother adores corn on the cob and has been waiting rather impatiently for the Corn Boil this year. It's a small festival but there were arts and crafts vendors, a carnival, live music and food. Because we got there late afternoon, it wasn't too crowded and we were able to get our food without waiting in huge lines and found a spot at a picnic table under a tent. We sat there for a while, ate, talked, and listened to the music. The Saint bought me two charms at one of the vendor tables. A Chicago White Sox charm and Chococat charm that reminds me of Ronan. Then we went home to play with dogs, watch I Love the 70s and reminisc about our childhoods. J and I have been friends since junior high and The Saint and B have been friends since high school.

It was a good day.

Ow

2005-07-27T05:29:00.000-07:00

Remember when I mentioned that my right big toe has been bothering me? Well today the entire bottom of my right foot hurts. Ow. I walked for about 45 minutes last night. Nothing extraordinary happened so what is up with my damn foot? Could it be from walking on the treadmill? Ow, ow, OW.

Speaking of the treadmill. I'm such a dork! The Saint bought me the treadmill last Christmas so I've been using it on and off for the past seven month, right? I never read the directions, just starting using it. There are ten buttons across the bottom and each represents a speed: 1 MPH, 2 MPH, 3 MPH, etc. At the bottom right are two speed bottons: one with an up arrow and one with a down arrow. I never pushed the arrow buttons until last night. The arrow buttons increase your speed by a tenth so I can go from 3 MPH to 3.1, 3.2, 3.3, etc. This makes it much easier to increase my speed so that rather than jumping from 3 MPH all the way to 4 MPH I can do it gradually. D'oh!

The boys surprised me last night.They took a pass on Hooters and we went to Macaroni Grill instead. They both ordered Chicken Parm and I ordered Mediterranean Shrimp from the Sensible Fare section. We took my mom to the Grill for Mother's Day and I ordered the same thing. It was much better this time around. Shrimp and a salad of cucumber, greens, tomatoes and FF feta. I don't remember how many calories but supposedly 1 gram of fat. And yummy.

My main diet problem at the moment seems to be eating too much candy which is weird because I'm normally a salty, crunchy snacker.

Sox lost last night to the Royals but Greg Maddux of the Cubs got his 3,000th career strikeout even after sitting through a long rain delay.

Oh my aching ...nevermind

2005-07-26T06:32:00.000-07:00

I was driving to work this morning, air conditioning cranked to combat the neverending humidity, Mike & Mike in the Morning on my radio, I-Pass rocketing around the inside of the car because The Saint still has not put the new velcro he got in December on my windshield so the damn thing can be mounted out of the way instead of bouncing around and inevitably ending up under the passenger seat as I'm about to go through a toll, when I realized with a start that my back didn't hurt and hasn't in weeks. For someone who has lived with chronic back pain for the past 8 years, it was quite a happy moment.

I don't know if it's from the walking or the weight loss and I don't care. To have more pain free days than not is awesome!

Unfortunately, it's about 4 days before my next 5K and my right big toe has started to hurt when I walk. It's on the bottom where the toe meets the foot. I have no idea what the problem is. While it's not painful enough to keep me from walking, it is irritating.

Dinner with The Saint and the nephew tonight. Wanna bet we end up at Hooters?

Nancy Drew Meets CSI

2005-07-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

I'm out of my mind. Really. This whole thing with Ronan has just pushed me over the edge. I am such a spaz that even I can't stand it. I don't know how my husband puts up with me. No wonder my father calls him The Saint.

Friday night I was sitting on the floor in our foyer, throwing paper balls for Bailey and Devlin, and trying to keep my mind off Ronan's upcoming vet appointment. Ronan must have heard us playing and he came trotting down the stairs to join in the chase. Why crumpled up balls of notebook paper are more fun to chase around than the $1200 worth of cats toys they have is a mystery to me. The only toys they like as much are the squeaky mouse that I believe The Saint has hidden in order to preserve his sanity and these miniature tennis balls someone gave them one Christmas.

The paper balls were getting a little raggedy and I didn't see the tennis balls laying around anywhere so I started peering under furniture in the living room and it was amazing the stuff I found! Devlin is notorious for knocking his toys under furniture and then not being able to get them out. I found toys I didn't even remember we had! The recliner always has a bunch of junk under it so I moved it and a) found the tennis balls and b) has a flashback to the previous Friday night.

The Saint and I have four cats and because of that, there are certain things that we do or don't do around the house because of them. For example, we always put the toilet seat lid down to prevent them from playing with the water or falling in. We also never recline in our recliner because otherwise the cats go inside it and we don't want them to get hurt.

Last Friday night our nephew was over and he doesn't know about the No Reclining Rule. Why would he? So he reclined in the chair and of course one of the cats crawled in it, getting stuck in the back when NF closed the recliner. Guess which cat got stuck? Ronan! When I realized he was trapped in there I quickly got the recliner back open. Obviously freaked out, he bolted out of there like he was shot out of a cannon. The poor thing ran upstairs into the tv room and hid behind the couch. I tried to coax him out to make sure he was ok but nothing doing. He huddled back there for a couple of hours and when I saw him next, he seemed to be fine. I told The Saint about it when he came home that night and then we both forgot about the incident.

This all came flooding back to me when I moved the recliner and I got a sneaking suspicion that I was about to make a gruesome discovery. I needed backup so I yelled upstairs for The Saint to get down here and bring a flashlight. I explained my idea to him and he agreed that I was probably right. We poppped open the recliner and shined the flashlight around the interior. And I'll be damned if we didn't find a chunk of black fur caught on the frame inside!

Ronan does not have a brain tumor, or mites, or allergies or ringworm. His fur got ripped out of his little head when he got trapped in the recliner! As relieved as I was by my discovery, I also felt weak at the thought of just how much it must've hurt and how badly he could've been injured.

And yes, we still kept our vet appointment because I wanted to rule out the other things. I even brought the chunk of hair to the vet in a plastic baggie. As evidence and in case the vet needed to see it. I know The Saint was trying very hard not to roll his eyes while I told the vet the whole story, whipping out the baggie of hair at the end but hey, this is my baby. And yes, according to the very patient Dr. B, Ronan's hair will grow back.

Idiots on the road

2005-07-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

Honest to God, I was driving down the good ole Reagan Memorial Highway this morning, almost to the exit for 355, when I realized that the idiot in front of me kept braking. He seemed to be doing something else besides driving and I finally figured it out what it was. This jackass was BRUSHING HIS TEETH! While driving. Are you kidding me?!

You can't tell me that he couldn't take 5 minutes to brush his teeth in his house, at a sink. There is no reason to take this personal hygiene activity on the road. None.

I'm still freaked out about Ronan. Every time he sits in my lap, I tear up. We see the vet tomorrow at 8:40 am. I can't wait and yet I'm dreading it.

The Saint finally agreed to participate in 5Ks with me. Woo-hoo! He's been hitting the treadmill too. Yesterday we actually had a treadmill scheduling conflict in that we both wanted to be on it at the same time. Trust me, this has never been an issue before! I got to use the treadmill first and he went to lift weights until I was done. Then we did crunches together or at least I tried to except Devlin kept laying on me.

Walking fool

2005-07-21T06:53:00.000-07:00

I have been the absolute soul of consistency when it comes to walking this week. I've been hitting the treadmill hard and it's felt good. If it ever dips below 90 for more than a minute and a half, I may actually start walking outside again. Thankfully my next 5K starts at 7 in the morning so it shouldn't be too miserable outside that early.

The Saint has been working out too and I think I almost have him convinced to start walking in 5Ks with me. I told him it would be a bonding experience and something we can do together since most of our hobbies are solitary pursuits (reading for me & drawing for him).

Last night I noticed that Ronan, furbaby #4, has a pretty big bald spot on his head! I had seen it over the weekend but I initially thought it was small. Like maybe one of the other cats pulled some fur off his head during a tussle. When I really looked at it last night and moved the fur around, I saw just how big it is and completely freaked! It's not quite the size of a dime but still, it seems awfully big to me.

I, of course, starting crying and worrying that he has a brain tumor. The Saint tried to settle me down but this is my BABY we're talking about. So he said if it would make me feel better to call the vet. Which I did this morning and we have an appointment for Saturday morning so I can stew about this for 2 days. And it doesn't matter that Ro seems fine in all other respects.

Normally, Ronan is all about The Saint but for the last two nights he's slept draped over my ankle and in the morning he's been snuggling in bed with me until I have to get up. I hope to God nothing serious is wrong with him.

Great weekend

2005-07-19T06:21:00.000-07:00

The Saint and I really enjoyed our time with the nephew this weekend. He and The Saint spent countless hours playing XBox and/or PS2 games. I am woefully ignorant when it comes to the world of video games so I went to bed Friday night while the two of them stayed up until 3:30 am playing Star Wars and NCAA football games.

On Saturday, after the boys FINALLY rolled out of bed around 1 pm, I dragged them to Bed Bath and Beyond so I could buy a new pillow. While we were there, I found this other pillow that is so soft, I just had to buy a purple one. I told The Saint to get a blue one for himself but he wouldn't and now every chance he gets, he's stealing my bean. The bean. That's the name I came up with for my new pillow because it kinda reminds me of a jellybean.

After BB&B, we took NF to Barnes & Noble and bought him the new Harry Potter book. I finished it Sunday night and he finished it Monday night. Loved it. Can't wait for Book 7!

Next we headed to Al Capone's Hideaway for dinner. We thought NF would get a kick out of it and he did. It truly is a hideaway because every time we've gone there, we've gotten lost. They have really good food and friendly service. My only suggestion would be to remove the pictures of dead gangsters from the menu. Not very appetizing.

Sunday we went miniature golfing in 98 degree heat. Gross. Afterwards, we immediately went right back to our nicely air conditioned house, The Saint did his usual magnificent job of grilling and after dinner took NF to his other uncle's house for a sleepover. Sunday was also Ronan's (fur baby #4) first birthday. How fast they grow up!

I've been walking on the treadmill every day and trying to increase my time. The 5K is less than 2 weeks away and I'd really love to beat my time from my last 5K but, I don't think I'll be able to. We'll see.

The Chicago White Sox are 62-29! Yeah, baby.

It's All About Me

2005-07-14T06:25:00.000-07:00

My fitness and eating programs are all about me. My choices. My control. My desire. My determination. My commitment. My goals. I decide what I put in my mouth. I decide whether or not to hit the treadmill. Me. Not The Saint. Not my parents. Not my friends. Not my co-workers. Just little (or not so little as the case may be) me!

I expend so much energy worrying about and doing for others that often there's just nothing left when it comes to me. So I take the easy way out. I opt not to do that 30 minutes of walking. I hit a fast food place for lunch or dinner because I don't have a lot of time or am too tired to cook.

I got so derailed this summer and I'm so disappointed in myself. By now I had planned to have lost 50 pounds but I haven't. I feel like I'm jogging in place, treading water, kinda back on the wagon but not fully recommitted. The only things really keeping me marginally in line are: the July 30th 5K I'm signed up for, my desire not to end up like my dad and my fear of The Saint's disappointment.

I think I need to really narrow down my focus to one day at a time. What do I need to do to get through this day successfully? I'm always thinking too far ahead and not focusing on what needs to be done in the here and now.

At the All-Star break, the Chicago White Sox led the league in wins. Now let's see what they can do in the second half of the season. And the playoffs. BTW, the American League won the All-Star game and you know what that means. Should the ChiSox make it to the World Series, they would have home field advantage. See, there I go looking too far ahead again!

I'm Blessed

2005-07-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

The Saint and I don't have children of our own but, we have been blessed with three terrific nephews and two wonderful nieces. They are the light of our lives. I love spending time with them and get the biggest kick out of things they say and do. I saw some of them over the weekend and here are some of the highlights:

My 4 year old nephew AW and I have this running joke about his feet. As an infant, he had the fattest, cutest, baby brick feet ever and I was forever kissing and tickling them. Now that he's older, this has evolved into an exchange that can go one of three ways:

I'm supposed to make a big deal out of smelling his feet, pretend they stink, and then stagger around or faint from the fumes. He thinks this is incredibly funny!
I pretend his feet are the filthiest feet ever, do not allow him to touch me with them and if he does, I have to shriek in my most horrifed, girlie manner. He loves this!
I ask if I can borrow one of his feet, or even just a toe, so I won't miss him so much. I promise to give it back. He gets very serious when I take this tact and patiently explains to me, as if I am mentally defficient, that he needs his feet and toes to walk.

We played out version three this weekend when I asked him if he would leave his foot in my purse so I could take it with me. This time he said "Take my whole body with you to your house so we can have a sleepover." He got me. Ping, right in the heart.

Our two year old niece RM is quite the diva. When I saw her on Saturday, she was wearing a rather dramatic looking tiara. I asked what she had on her head and she told me "It' s my Wommer Woman crown." She's big into that old 70s tv show with Lynda Carter. My sister-in-law loved it as a kid, has it on DVD and I guess they've been watching it. On Sunday when we were out for dinner, RM kept putting her napkin on her head, bubushka-style. The Saint asked if she was Wonder Woman and she replied "No, I'm Cinderella."

My 14 year old nephew NF sounded wise beyond his years when he was telling me how his mom has been dealing with her recent MS diagnosis. He also said that for the most part she's been strong but sometimes he hears his parents in their bedroom talking about it and he said "My mom just breaks down." Again, right in the heart.

I'm picking NF up on Friday so he can stay for the weekend. We'll go out to dinner and then meet up with The Saint later after he's made an appearance at a party that he accepted an invitation to because he forgot NF was coming. Don't even get me started on that!

MLB All-Star game tonight in Detroit. The home run derby last night was pretty cool with Abreu hitting 24 homers in the first round, a new record.

Where Have I Been?

2005-07-11T05:24:00.000-07:00

What have I been up to since my last post? I've been working, dealing with my dad's latest health crisis, had a little health issue of my own and generally having no down time these past few weeks. And, of course, in times of stress I turn to food which is just so not helpful. I need a much better coping mechanism. Below are some random thoughts that have been rolling around in my head:

World: What happened in London last week was just appalling and my heart goes out to those affected by the bombings. Today was the first time I had to go to my downtown Chicago campus since the bombings and I tell you, I was less than thrilled to be on the train. I doubt anything would happen on the commuter trains that run out to the suburbs because I think the trains (El) in the city are a more likely target. Although, Union Station could be a target. It's big and busy and not only do commuter trains stop there but so does Amtrak. And when you come out of Union Station, the Sears Tower is right there and since 9/11 I've always been worried about it being a target. So I was a little freaked out this morning.

Personal: Our nephew is visiting from Connecticut. He flew in on Saturday and he's staying with my in-laws although I think he's going to spend next weekend at our place. The kid is 14 and if he's not 6 feet tall, he's damn close. But he still reminds me of an exuberant puppy. We went over there yesterday to see him before we all went out to dinner to celebrate my mother-in-law and The Saint's birthdays. He just bounded right up to me and wrapped me in this huge bear hug. He's always been affectionate and outgoing and hopefully that won't change now that he's a teenager!

Fitness: I need to get my ass in gear because my next 5K is at the end of the month and I have been SUCH a slacker! It doesn't help that we've been stuck in the 90s forever and I've been limited to walking on the treadmill. Not my favorite. However, I'm determined to do this 5K especially since it's in my very own town.

In baseball news, White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle is starting for the AL in tomorrow night's All Star game. Woo-hoo!

I'm pathetic

2005-06-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

I only managed to get one walk in over the weekend, because I forced myself too, and I bitched and moaned about having to do that much. Really, I've become very whiny and obnoxious about how badly I'm doing with my food and fitness program. So much so that I'm sick of thinking, worrying, complaining, avoiding and failing in this area. It's damn annoying.

And if I weren't feeling badly enough about it, I'm confronted with this article this morning. I'm only 38 and I doubt that I could run a 100 meters (without stopping) at all let alone in 22 seconds! And what further boggles my mind is this man set a new world record for the 95-99 age group. Are you kidding me? Enough of these really old people have run this distance that they have world records for their age bracket? I'm totally flabbergasted and totally impressed.

So the upshot of all this is, I need to get my ass in gear. Pronto.

I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I HATE going to the doctor. I haven't been in two years which is so bad, I know. However, you have no idea how much I loathe going. Yuk!

The Saint and I had a nice weekend. It was great to actually be home for most of it. We went out to eat with my mom and stepfather on Saturday night to celebrate Father's Day and surprisingly, had a good time. You never know with my mom. It can go either way. On Sunday we had The Saint's parents over for dinner and we always have a good time with them. They're leaving on Saturday for a Caribbean cruise to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary and I probably won't see them now until they get back.

And if they're going out of town that means Little Guy will be coming to stay. I love him but my household is always up for grabs for the first 2-3 days of his visit.

My White Sox had two awesome come-from-behind wins on Saturday and Sunday!

Good foot

2005-06-17T05:40:00.000-07:00

I stepped on the scale this morning and realized I've gained back 9 of the 35 pounds I worked so hard to lose. I'm so pissed off with myself and all my excuses are just that: excuses. I've been working long hours and traveling and it's just been easier to eat whatever is handy instead of what's good for me. And exercise! HA! But I'm stopping the backsliding here and now. I refuse to go into a double digit gain!

So The Saint and I had a heart to heart last night while I was packing my breakfast and lunch for today. He's so supportive and absolutely willing to help out around the house so I have time to do what I need to do. Actually what he said is "What can I do to get you off on the good foot?"

What he meant, of course, was the "right foot" but he is the prince of malapropisms. He learned at the knee of the queen, my mother-in-law.

So I've recommitted, I'm not looking back and I will only move forward.

On an unrelated topic, we had a beautiful deer in our backyard last night and she freaked the hell out of my cats. I was in our bedroom trying to figure out what I could wear to work today since everything I own is dirty or at the cleaners, when Ronan came up the stairs. He was running very low to the ground, a sure sign something is up, and as he sprinted by me on the way into my bathroom, I noticed that the fur on his back was standing up, another sure sign something is amiss.

Bailey was right behind him and her tail was puffed up. And then Devlin sounded the alarm. He howls, sort of like a dog, in times of distress: when strange animals are in the yard, when his food dish is empty, when the doorbell rings, etc. The only one seemingly unaffected by a huge deer in the backyard was Riley and normally he is the biggest chicken and the first to hide.

So The Saint and I headed downstairs to see what was going on and there was the doe. She really was beautiful, standing there still and silent, checking out the neighborhood. She hung out in our backyard for about five mintues and then suddenly snorted, pawed the ground and took off.

Poor Ronan was freaked out all night. He refused to go anywhere near the side of the house that looks out on the backyard. It reminds me of when Bailey saw a coyote in our yard last year. Poor little girlie was a wreck for two days!

Avoidance

2005-06-14T13:02:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like talking about how badly I'm doing with my food and fitness program so I won't. Instead I'm going to answer the questionnaire Mia posted on her site.

3 names I go by
1. Nichole
2. Nicky
3. Auntie Boo

3 screen names I've had
1.nanovak
2.Rioghan
3.

3 physical things I like about myself
1. Eyes
2. Hands
3. Lips

3 parts of my heritage
1. Irish
2. German
3. English

3 things I'm wearing right now
1. My great-grandmother's wedding ring
2. My ID badge for work
3. A really uncomfortable bra

3 favorite bands
1. Eagles
2. Tesla
3. Cross Canadian Ragweed

3 favorite songs
1. At Last-Etta James
2. Suspicious Minds-Elvis
3. Copa Cabana-Barry Manilow

3 things I want in a relationship
1. Laughter
2. Trust
3. Fidelity

3 physical things about the preferred sex that I like
1. Hands
2. Butt
3. Penis

3 favorite hobbies
1. Reading
2. Walking
3. Collecting Oscar Mayer Weinermobiles

3 things I want to do badly right now
1. Sleep
2. Take off this damn bra
3. Go home

3 things that scare me
1. Death of a family member
2. Death of one of my cats
3. Heights

3 of my everyday essentials
1. The Saint
2. My furbabies
3. A good spritz of Ellen Tracy by Ellen Tracy

3 careers you have/are considering
1. Lawyer
2. Writer
3. Museum curator

3 places you want to go on vacation
1. Ireland
2. Scotland
3. Italy

3 kids' names you like
1. Teagan
2. Aleith (my great-great grandmother's name)
3. Charlie (my grandfather's name)

3 things you want to do before you die
1. Lose weight
2. See my nieces and nephews grow up
3. Dye my hair red-well not RED red but more like auburn

3 ways I am stereotypically a boy
1. I love to watch sports on tv anytime, anywhere
2. I can burp and fart with the best of them!
3.

3 ways I am stereotypically a girl
1. I adore jewelry
2. I hate to be dirty and/or sweaty
3. I cry at the drop of a hat

3 celeb crushes
1. Clive Owen
2. Adrian Paul
3. Orlando Bloom
I think there's a theme here: tall, dark and British

Oh my aching back...

2005-06-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

That's what I get for chasing two kids and five cats around all weekend! My house was a freakin' madhouse this weekend. We had my in-law's cat Little Guy, our 4 fur babies and our 4 year old nephew (AW) and two year old niece (RM) from Thursday until Sunday.

We had a lot of fun with the kids. They're at such a cute age and so funny. We took them to Blackberry Farm twice and Chuck E. Cheese. The Farm has a train ride, pony rides, a carousel and a lot of farm animals. RM immediately headed for the carousel squealing "Merry go round, ooh la la."

One thing I really noticed about the kids this weekend is that they are all about repetition. Either they ask or do the same things over and over or I'm saying the same things to them over and over. For example:

10-the number of times AW can ask "why" in one conversation
9-the number of times I had to tell RM on Sunday to "Leave the cats alone!"
8-the number of times we had to ride the train at Blackberry Farm
7-the number of times we had to listen to Willie Nelson's "Shotgun Willie" in the car-they absolutely adore that song! It drove The Saint nuts!
6-the number of times my sister-in-law called to see how the kids were doing
5-the number of times we had to ride the carousel
4-the number of times RM can say "Hey Auntie..." in a 10 minute span. For example, "Hey Auntie, watch me!" "Hey Auntie, can I have some milk?" "Hey Auntie, can I pet the cat?"
3-the number of times we had to watch The Incredibles
2-the number of blocks RM rode her "bike" before she decided she wanted me to carry her AND the bike. I carried the bike but I made her walk.
1-the number of cookies leftover after the kids went home

What I Should Be Doing Instead Of Writing This...

2005-06-02T05:31:00.000-07:00

Did I mention that my June sucks big time in regards to work? I'm swamped but, am I taking advantage of the early morning quiet here to get some of this crap cleared off my desk? Of course not, I'm writing this. So here's what I should be doing:

-emailing faculty their library committee assignments-it was my bright idea to form these committees and so they put me in charge of recruiting for and organizing them. I really, really, really need to send those assignments today.

-collection development-it's so time consuming but I absolutely ADORE selecting books, magazines, DVDs, etc. for my libraries. LOVE IT!

-preprare documentation for our accreditation visit next week

-do more than scan the resumes of the people I have coming in today to interview for one of my open positions

If I wasn't walking at lunch, I'd be getting no exercise at all this week. I found a new place for lunch that's a few blocks away. It's on the lower level of an office building down here in the Loop and it's a food court that offers everything from sushi to burritos to salads to pasta. Very reasonably priced and yummy. I got a salad there yesterday that rocked!

I had planned to walk in an event June 18th but I think I'm going to back out. It's only a mile event (listen to me, only a mile!), it's Father's Day weekend and I may even have to work that day on top of having worked the weekend before. I'm taking tomorrow off but this weekend may be my last time off for 3 weeks. It's insane. What's even more insane is that I feel guilty not walking the event.

My boys lost last night. Bummer.

Back to work already?

2005-05-31T05:55:00.000-07:00

Have you ever taken a 65 year old man shoe shopping? A man who has had two strokes, gets flustered very easily, is stubborn as hell, can't read and who will buy only one brand of shoe? He gives the term brand loyalty a new meaning. Good gravy, it was an exercise in patience if nothing else.

Friday night my father informs me that I need to take him shoe shopping Saturday morning. All thoughts of having a quick visit with him this holiday weekend promptly vanish. I didn't even bother to ask why he didn't tell me LAST weekend when I was there, the non holiday weekend, that he needed new shoes. And of course new shoes reminds him that he needs socks. So now instead of taking him to breakfast and the grocery store and then heading home, I've got to also take him to Wal-Mart and Famous Footwear. I know I sound like a bitch but, this man doesn't do anything fast. Fast is beyond him at this point.

Famous Footwear, thankfully, wasn't too crowded and I was able to find him a pair of 12W white Rockports fairly quickly. Then he tells me he wants a second pair and of course, they didn't have them. Then he didn't trust my ability to look at the shoeboxes and correctly ascertain whether there was another pair of 12W white Rockports on the shelf even though I can read and he can't. I don't point this out, though, because then I really would be a bitch so here's our conversation:

"You don't see any other 12W Rockports."
"No, Dad."
"You're sure?"
"I'm sure."
"Here's a 12 right here!"
"That's a medium, you need wide."
Silence while he looks at the boxes.
"Here's a 12 wide."
"In black, you want white."
More searching. Mind you, I've looked at every freakin box of Rockports in the store already.
"Here's 12 wide."
"Those are New Balance, Dad. You want Rockports, right?"
Now he starts eyeing the one correct pair we've found and asks what the writing on the tongue of the shoe says.
"It says ProWalkers, Dad."
"Well, I thought I always just got tennis shoes."
I don't respond because I'm not sure what in the hell he's talking about. What I do know is that the shoes in his hands are FINE for his purposes. Ring 'em up and bag 'em so we can get the fuck up outta here.

He starts making nosies about going to another store about 20 minutes away because maybe he can get two pair there because God only knows when he'll ever get back to the shoe store. Did I mention that he told me he needed shoes only the night before? 24 hours later and we're at the shoe store. Spare me the Poor Pitiful Pearl routine. I was so not in the mood and I could feel my blood pressure rising.

The salesgirl narrowly averted a full blown family argument by informing us that she could order a pair of 12W white Rockports and have them sent to his house. And they don't charge shipping. Score!

The shoe store scene was basically repeated at Wal-Mart during our hunt for his damn socks. Jeez that man is a marketer's dream! If it's socks and underwear it has to be Fruit of the Loom, pop then it's Diet Coke, mustard then it's Grey Poupon, tissue must be Puffs with lotion, and don't even bother bringing any other toilet paper other than Northern into the house.

The rest of the weekend was good. I walked every day and the weather was just gorgeous! However, I did way too much mindless eating and I'm so pissed about it today. But I'm back on track and I'm not going to dwell on it. Not much anyway.

Chi Sox won!

Three day weekend..woo-hoo!!

2005-05-27T06:25:00.000-07:00

Down another pound this week. At this rate, I may reach my goal weight by 2008! All kidding aside, at least the scale is moving in the right direction and that's all that matters. I shouldn't look too far down the road because otherwise I start to feel overwhelmed by just how far I still have to go. I should focus on OMOHOD (one minute, one hour, one day) at a time. It sounds hokey but it works.

I love Memorial Day weekend! I love the parties, the baseball games, the Indy 500, the feeling that summer is here despite the fact that we somehow always manage to have crappy weather that weekend.

So far the only plans we have are on Saturday I'm going to my dad's and Sunday we're going to The Saint's brother's house for a BBQ. This means I may actually get the chance to clean my house and *gasp* relax.

I wasn't scheduled to go to my dad's this Saturday since I was up there last Saturday but, this is my brother's busiest weekend of the year. He owns a swimming pool service company and so he's crazy busy right now and I will be crazy busy the first three weeks of June. So we struck a deal. I'll take these last two Saturdays in May and the Big B (my brother) will take the first 3 Saturdays in June which means I don't have to go back to my dad's until June 25th.

It's been a challenge to take care of my dad for the last two years since his stroke but at least the Big B and I are on the same page regarding his care and able to compromise. I know he takes on more responsibility by virtue of living in the same town as my dad but, I do what I can. At least my dad is fairly self sufficient except for not being able to read or drive anymore. And if dealing with him and his health issues aren't enough to motivate me to get healthy, nothing will be.

Sox lost last night. Bummer.

I'll never understand it

2005-05-20T16:50:00.000-07:00

I lost 3.5 pounds this week. I only walked for 30 minutes two days this week. I stuck to WW but ate every single Daily Point, Activity Point and Weekly Allowance Point. Why then, such a big loss? I'll never understand it.

I seem to be over whatever funky, lack of motivation slump I was in and firmly back on track. Phew. When I get like that I feel like I'm balanced precariously on the edge and it wouldn't take much to send me plunging over the side and into a bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos!

My goal is to lose 50 pounds by mid July and right now I'm sitting at 34.5 gone. I think it's doable. The only thing that scares me a little is that June is shaping up to be an absolutely horrendous month workwise and it's definitely going to be a struggle to maintain my work-life balance. I'm starting to plan for it now.

Last night The Saint and I went to our nephew's preschool graduation. It was an hour long program. For preschool. As in four year olds. I must say, however, it was very cute and Austin was not as shy about being on stage and singing in front of an auditorium full of strangers as I thought he would. I, of course, cried. God I love that kid! Even when he picked his nose three minutes after taking the stage and when he, like a true guy, kept rearranging his furniture if you know what I mean. What is with guys and their packages?

Sox beat the Cubs today in the Crosstown Classic. Hee, hee!

2005-05-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's because my routine got interrupted while I was in Denver or because I'm kind of in a funk or because it's That Time of the Month, but good gravy, I want to eat everything in the house. It's driving me nuts. That and the fact that I seem to have lost all enthusiasm for walking. I really had to drag my ass out there this morning. It didn't help that it was only in the 40s either.

The Saint is trying to be really supportive. Poor guy is probably terrified I'll give up. Again. Perversely, the more he tries to be encouraging, the more I want him to shut up. And yet when he wasn't supportive enough this morning I got on his ass about it. My only excuse is a temporary hormonal imbalance.

So to cheer myself up I had a FOUR hour lunch with two girlfriends today. One is engaged and going through all that wedding planning madness. She was in tears at least twice. The other one is a stay at home mom and has her own issues. When she worked all she wanted was to be home with her son. Now that she's home with him, she really misses working and that adult interaction. And money is really tight for them now that she's not working. After listening to all their drama, I wasn't sure if I felt better or worse.

But on the plus side, I was out of the house and therefore couldn't graze all day. I had a really healthy lunch and stayed away from dessert. And I got to have some girl time which I need every once in a while.

My goal for the week is to stay OP with Weight Watchers and keep walking even if I don't want to. My funk will pass and in the meantime I just have to keep doing what I know works even if I don't feel like it. Fake it till I make it.

Back from Denver

2005-05-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

I'm back from the Mile High City and down half a pound. I consider that a major victory since I had little to no control over the menu when I was out there.

So today I was back to food that I could control and I walked tonight when I got home from work. Two miles and it felt really good. I never exercise when I'm in Denver because I'm afraid I'm going to pass out due to the thin air. Could I be any more dramatic? I just have this fear that I'll pass out and when I come to there'll be this circle of people crowded around staring down at the fat lady (me) laid out on the floor and whispering "Oh thank God she's awake. We weren't sure how we'd get her up off the floor."

Did you ever see "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" with Johnny Depp? Gilbert's mom weighed like 500 pounds when she died in an upstairs bedroom. Rather than let her become a spectacle and have to be removed from the house with a crane, Gilbert burned the house down instead. That would be me in the Wyndham. OK, now I am being dramatic and I can only blame it on PMS and the fact that I feel really fat today despite the walk and the half pound loss. Ever have those days?

I'm going to go watch the Chi Sox now.

My cats are making me fat...

2005-05-09T06:31:00.000-07:00

Wasn't there a study recently that found that people who don't get enough sleep are more likely to be overweight or some such shit? It's true! I'm fat and I don't get nearly enough sleep. The reason I don't get enough sleep is because my fur babies, Riley, Bailey, Devlin and Ronan, hate to see me sleep. Hate it!

And things are even crazier at our house right now because my in-law's cat, Little Guy, is visiting. LG comes to stay whenever they go out of town which seems to be alot! He drives Bailey crazy and she follows him around making cougar-like nosies. It's pretty funny for about the first five mintues and then it gets to be damn annoying.

So Ronan woke us up at about 2:15 am this morning by running around our bed like a cat possessed. I usually cut him a lot of slack because a) he's not even a year old yet and b) he's cute as a button but it was the middle of the NIGHT!

I'm headed to Denver in the morning on business so The Saint will have to deal with the hooligans on his own. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!! In the morning, when they want to be fed, they always come to me. Even on the rare occasion, such as my birthday, when The Saint gets up to feed them at 4:30 am, they will not leave me alone. I literally have to get up, go downstairs and pretend to put food in their bowls before they will eat what he's given them. They don't care who feeds them at night but it has to be me in the morning unless I'm away. Then and only then will they wake him up for food. Bitches.

White Sox. Win. Again.

5K: Mission accomplished

2005-05-07T14:56:00.000-07:00

True to his word, The Saint rolled out of bed at 6:20 this morning without complaint to take me to my 5K. I am a morning person. He is not. My mouth starts running the minute my feet hit the ground. I'm sure there are days when he would like to tell me to shut the hell up but he doesn't. Today he listened to me prattle on about my race, what I should wear, my hair and even laughed when I started humming the theme from Rocky.

The rain got out of here really early this morning so by 8 it was in the upper 50s, partly sunny and breezy. Perfect.

I finished in 56:44 which means I averaged about 18 minutes a mile. At home I usually average about 17 minutes a mile but I'm chalking up the slower pace to the fact that I was talking to people around me and walking their pace rather than mine. While I didn't finish last, there weren't many people behind me!

I got a little teary eyed when I crossed the finish line and The Saint was waiting there for me with his parents. They must all love me a lot to be up so early on a Saturday morning especially since my in-laws just came back from vacation last night.

I had a great time and I can't wait for the next one!

In other news, Chicago beat Toronto 10-7 today. Yippee!

Oh happy day....

2005-05-06T07:57:00.000-07:00

Weighed myself this morning and noticed that I had:
-lost 2 pounds
-which put me at 30.5 pounds total gone
-which means I've lost 10% of my body weight

Yea me!

So today I'm feeling pretty good about myself especially since I suffered through three hours of hair highlighting and cutting last night. The highlights look awesome and my hair cut is ok. I have the world's most unmangeable and unruly hair. I love my stylist and she does the best with what she has to work with but I'm never happy with my hair. It does its own thing no matter what and one day I will come to accept that fact.

Tonight after work I'm going to do a two mile walk and then tomorrow is the BIG DAY! The Saint agreed to get up at some ungodly hour on a Saturday to go with me to my 5K. It starts at 8am and is a good 35 minute drive from our house. I'm so psyched!

In other news the Chi Sox beat the Royals last night. Again. Yippee!

Hair

2005-05-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

No walking tonight. I have an appointment after work to get my hair cut and highlighted which takes a mind numbing three hours to accomplish. Isn't that insane?

Last night I walked 4 miles and it was great. Weather was great. My back felt great. I really enjoyed myself.

I weigh in tomorrow and I better see a decent loss or I'm really going to be bummed.

In other news, the White Sox beat the Royals 4-2 to get win number 20. Yippee!

Get me outta the car!

2005-05-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

It took me 90 minutes to get home yesterday because some guy in a semi hit the 159th Street overpass, split open his trailer and the ensuing mess caused backups for both south and northbound traffic.

Needless to say, I was more than ready to walk when I got home, to stretch my legs and just be out in the fresh air. It was actually sunny for once and in the 50s.

I was a good girl and took it easy. I only walked about 2 1/2 miles and it felt wonderful! Tonight I've got 4 miles on my schedule and I'm really looking forward to it.

In other news, the Chi Sox beat the Royals 5-4 last night. Yippee!

I'm so selfish!

2005-05-03T05:53:00.000-07:00

I've been so focused on my upcoming 5K and staying OP on Weight Watchers that I completely forgot that Mother's Day is this weekend. My mom finally had to ask if we were getting together. God forbid my husband or my brother be on the ball the one time I forget an occasion and actually take on the planning.

So now what was going to be a fun weekend with the 5k as the centerpiece has turned into:

Friday night: laundry and grocery shopping

Saturday: 5K at 8am, breakfast with the inlaws to celebrate Mom's Day, 1 hour drive to my dad's to bring him meals I cook and freeze for him and to take him shopping, 1 hour drive back home.

Sunday: lunch with my family for Mom's Day and I'm sure my mother will want us to come back to her house. My in laws are going to their other son's house for dinner and my husband wants us to swing by there mostly to see our niece and nephew.

I get hyper just thinking about all that.

Anyway, I think after my painful weekend, I'm only going to walk 2 miles tonight when I get home and shoot for 4 miles tomorrow. My back is feeling pretty good today so I don't want to do anything stupid.

On my lunch break today I get to go shopping for some new clothes. I'm going on a business trip next week and I can't show up in the baggy clothes I've been wearing around campus lately.

In other news, like me, the White Sox had a rest day yesterday. Tonight they take on the KC Royals.

Rest day

2005-05-02T06:22:00.000-07:00

Mondays are my ususal rest day for two reasons: 1) I tend to get a lot of walking in over the weekend and my body needs a break and 2) my schedule on Mondays sucks. It's been hard to come up with a workout schedule when I'm working out of a different location every day but, I think I've done a good job. One thing I've learned is that Monday is a bitch day and exercising just ain't gonna happen. Why fight it?

So it's a damn good thing today is my rest day because my back is still aggravated from the weekend. I may do my hula-hoop when I get home though. I have a large weighted hoop that I absolutely cannot get the hang of and a smaller hoop that I use for my arms. I think I'll just stick to the arm workout today.

In other news, yesterday the Chicago White Sox beat the Detroit tigers, 8-0. Yippee.

Walking, recipes and The Saint

2005-05-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

I slept in (for me) and didn't get up until 8:15. Well, the fur babies had us up at 5:00 to feed them, which I did, but I was so tired that I got back in bed and went right to sleep. Went I went back to sleep I must've been in some funky position because when I woke up again , my always touchy back was in full protest.

So instead of giving my back the proper time to wake up and loosen up, I headed out the door for my walk at about 8:55. A mile into my first 2 mile loop through my neighborhood, I knew I was in trouble. My back was so not happy. Neither was I considering it was only about 40 degrees outside with a really chilly strong wind out of the north. My subdivision is literally in the middle of cornfields so there's nothing to break the wind when it comes storming out of the north like that. Brrr!

I was tempted to turn into my driveway after the first loop but like a moron, I pressed on and finished the second loop. My back screamed in protest every step of those two miles. If I had had my cell phone with me, I would've called my husband to come pick me up. When my back gets like that, all I can think about is putting one foot in front of the other. I can't concentrate on my breathing, my posture, my speed, nothing.

So needless to say, I'm not doing much of anything the rest of the day except watching the White Sox game and cooking. I love to cook but during the week, I don't have a lot of time. My wonderful husband is so easygoing that he doesn't care that weeknight dinners have become big salads, Subway sandwiches, or fruit and veggies plates. To make up for this, I cook big time on the weekends. I tried three new recipes this weekend. Friday night I made a garlic chicken pizza that was awesome! Saturday night I made a baked shrimp with feta cheese and steamed asparagus and zucchini. Delish! Tonight we're having grilled pork tenderloin with mojo sauce, mashed potatoes and more steamed zucchini.

I hear from other women all the time that their husbands aren't supportive of their weight loss efforts, they continue to bring junk food into the house and won't try healthier recipes. My husband is the complete opposite. I could tell him I'm going on the berry, grass and twig diet for the next six months and he would say "If you feel that this would help you, I'm in." He has participated in all my diets with me without complaint.

I fully confess to being a princess, high maintenance, and a Daddy's Girl with a dash of drama queeness I inherited from my mother thrown in. However, you know you're a real piece of work when your own father refers to your husband, not by name, not as The Bastard Who Married My Little Girl but as The Saint. Believe me, I know how lucky I am to have this sexy, loving, hot tempered, talented, goofy, patient, increasingly infuriatingly conservative, gentle, procrastinator as my partner. He keeps me sane. He keeps me laughing. He keeps believing in me even on, especially on, the days when I don't believe in myself. Big love to you baby!

A few of life's mysteries solved

2005-04-30T07:56:00.000-07:00

Mystery #1 Why was I so sore that I was practically paralyzed yesterday? I've been walking virtually every day since about the middle of January so what did I do to myself Thursday night to induce such pain? Answer: Instead of breaking up my walks and into two 30 or 40 minutes sessions (one at lunch and one after work) I walked all 70 minutes in one shot. And I had no idea how far I was walking until I drove my route in my car today and clocked it on the odometer. Umm...two laps around my subdivision takes me 70-75 minutes and it's a little over four miles. I had no clue! This is a big deal for me because as I said, until I started Weight Watchers in the middle of January 2005, I weighed a little over 300 pounds and was the Czarina of Couch Potatoes. Now I've lost 28.5 pounds and I'm getting ready to walk in the Tour de Foot. Woo-hoo!

Mystery #2 Why am I not afraid to walk by myself at ungodly hours of the morning? Answer: This answer came to me as I was walking around my neighborhood at 7 am this morning. I am not as concerned as some of my family and friends about me meeting with foul play while I'm out walking for two reasons:
a) I have been lulled into a false sense of security because I live in a fairly rural area
b) I'm fat

When was the last time you heard of a fat woman being kidnapped? Scary, mysterious men in vans just keep on driving when they see me out walking. Considering I outweigh 99% of potential kidnappers, they'd have to be out of their minds to try and take me on.

And speaking of kidnappings and being out of your mind, I'm glad that bride to be from Georgia turned up alive and well in New Mexico but, holy smokes what the fuck was she thinking? Sure calling off the wedding would be painful and messy but you don't make a bad situation worse by fleeing west and concocting some half assed story about being kidnapped! Maybe we should cut her some slack because any woman who allowed 8 bridal showers, 14 bridesmaids and 600 wedding guests is clearly out of her mind.

In other news, the Detroit Tigers beat the Chicago White Sox 3-2 last night. Bummer.

Ouchy today

2005-04-29T06:47:00.000-07:00

I hate exercising just for the sake of exercising. Hate it. It seems pointless even though I know it's good for me and will help my weight loss efforts. And God knows I have a lot of weight to lose! I'm an intelligent woman and I know all the benefits of exercise but I gotta tell ya, that does nothing to motivate me.

So being the very task oriented person that I am, I figured if I registered for an event, such as a one mile walk, I would have something to "train" for and that would motivate me. That and the fact that I'm not going to piss away the registration fee by not showing up and if I show up, I'm damn well going to walk and I don't want to finish last.

Which is why I'm ouchy today. I did the one mile Shakespeare Shuffle walk in under 20 mintues earlier this month. No problem. So I got cocky and registered for the 5K Tour de Foot and I have about a week left to get ready for it. And totally overdid it last night. Everything from my waist down hurts today.

The only thing making me feel remotely better is the fact that I'm down another pound this week!